Text Me Back
by Cookiethife
Summary: (W- Wally D-Dick) W: I am entirely convinced your last words will either be 'whoops' or 'shit' D: Well it hasn't happened yet - W: Did you know Einstein's last words were spoken in German to a nurse that only spoke English? D: Geh und mach mir ein sandwich W: What - Dick and Wally have a habit of texting each other any thught that comes to mind.
1. Chapter 1

**Thanks to** **FantasyHalfa** **for correcting my German.**

* * *

(W= Wally, D= Dick)

D: Want to know how I remember how to spell 'Assume'?

W: Okay...

D: Don't assume or you'll make an _ass_ out of _u_ and _me_

* * *

D: 1rd, 2rd 3nd

W: The hell.

* * *

D: Want to freak out your neighbours?

D: Rename your wifi to 'FBI surveillance van 7'

W: You are evil

W: I love it.

* * *

W: Nvm, my bad

D: You nearly killed us!

W: Wouldn't be the first time

* * *

W: I am entirely convinced your last words will either be 'whoops' or 'shit'

D: Well it hasn't happened yet

* * *

W: You left your phone here

* * *

W: It's four AM and I woke up with a cat sitting on my chest

W: I don't have a cat

* * *

W: Did you know Einstein's last words were spoken in German to a nurse that only spoke English?

W: Quick place your bets on what Einsteins last words were

D: Geh und mach mir ein sandwich

W: What

* * *

W: Ever noticed how grades go A, B, C, D, F?

D: Yeah...

W: What happened to E?!

D: C and D ganged up, cuts it foot off, and turned it into F

W: Holy shit

* * *

D: I died once

* * *

D: Wally.

W: Oh no

D: Google Scotland's national animal

* * *

W: Have any other ways to remember words?

D: Yeah

D: Learn to spell them

* * *

D: The humans have been eradicated, cats took over

* * *

W: Life

D: Death

W: Corruption

D: Justice

W: Murder

D: I'm in

* * *

D: I need something more than caffeine but less than cocaine

W: I have you for that

* * *

D: I ripped the tag off a mattress

W: You have doomed us all

* * *

W: I am just saying!

D: There is no way Steve and Bucky is better than Steve and Tony

* * *

D: The rules of fashion; if it looks good, ware it

W: How am I supposed to wear you?

D: You smooth bastard

* * *

W: What did you do?!

D: Nothing you can prove

* * *

W: Why is there a sudden shortage of clothes in my closet?

D: I can't help it! There so comfortable!

* * *

D: Are you sure these pants aren't too tight?

W: Nope, their absolutely perfect

* * *

W: I don't like eye contact

W: Or tomatoes

W: They both make me uncomfortable

D: Eye contact is like a contract

D: And tomatoes are for throwing, not eating

* * *

D: Idiots

W: Who?

D: Sahara is the Arabic word for desert

W: Desert desert

D: Furthermore, Soviet means union

W: Union union

* * *

W: I would eat healthy

W: But then I remember that time Adam and Eve are an apple and doomed all of humanity

W: Better not risk it

* * *

W: Your like a mix between a hurricane and a cupcake

D: As far as I know I'm delightful

* * *

D: I have a untested theory

D: An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

W: We could test it on Roy

D: We could

* * *

D: At this same ancient feast of Capulet's Sups the fair Rosaline whom thou so lovest, With all the admired beauties of Verona:

Go thither; and, with unattainted eye,

Compare her face with some that I shall show, And I will make thee think thy swan a crow.

ROMEO When the devout religion of mine eye Maintains such falsehood, then turn tears to fires; And these, who often drown'd could never die, Transparent heretics, be burnt for liars!

One fairer than my love! the all-seeing sun Ne'er saw her match since first the world begun.

BENVOLIO Tut, you saw her fair, none else being by, Herself poised with herself in either eye:

But in that crystal scales let there be weigh'd

Your lady's love against some other maid

That I will show you shining at this feast,

And she shall scant show well that now shows best.

ROMEO I'll go along, no such sight to be shown, But to rejoice in splendor of mine own.

W: Go to bed.

D: Good idea

* * *

D: I love your hair

W: You are literally sitting right beside me

D: It's so soft!

* * *

W: Roy got arrested

D: Again?

* * *

D: Wally

D: Bruce left me unsupervised

W: Oh no

D: I know, it freaks me out too

D: Anything is possible

* * *

D: You just wanted to look at my ass!

W: Well duh

* * *

D: It will rain in 5...

D: 4...

D: 3...

D: 2...

W: Bullshit

D: 1...

W: What is this black magic?

* * *

W: This is a bad idea

W: I am behind you 100%

* * *

W: I hate it when people assume we're a couple

D: Just because you bring me flowers for no reason, and we share a bed, and I make you breakfast, and you run from Central to Gotham when ever I say so doesn't mean we're together

W: Finally! Someone understands me

D: Come over

D: I'm going to walk along the beach

W: Be there in a flash

* * *

(Special gust appearance from Roy: R= Roy)

W: Hey Roy,

D: Remember that one time you dove off a bridge,

W: And almost killed us?

R: You guys are never gunna let that go

* * *

W: You kidnaped me!

D: Only for awhile!

W: I can believe you kidnaped me!

D: You weren't agreeing and you knew too much!

D: What was I supposed to do?!

* * *

W: I'm lost in the grocery store

D: Leave a trial of M&M's

* * *

D: The opposite of office is onfire

* * *

D: Ugh...

D: How long have I been out?

D: What year is it?

W: The year is 2017

W: Our president is an orange

* * *

W: Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the demons drag your soul down to hell :)

D: Damnit Wally, Bruce seen that

* * *

D: THIS IS WHY WE DON'T LET YOU NEAR SHARP OBJECTS

* * *

D: Try baking soda, it should help with the blood staines

W: What?

D: Oh

D: Wrong person

* * *

W: Did you just...

D: Yep.

W: Me...?

D: Yep.

W: Dose that mean...

D: Yep.

* * *

W: I hear explosions and you are missing

W: This is not a coincidence

* * *

D: Did you turn the lights off?

W: No

D: We have a problem

* * *

W: What are you doing right now?

D: Stealing everyone's left shoe

* * *

W: What if one morning your alarm clock hit you back?

D: That would be alarming

W: I love you

* * *

W: Roy wants you

D: Who doesn't?

* * *

W: You googled murder?

D: Yeah

W: Why?!

* * *

W: What's my name?

D: F-R-A-N-C-I-S

* * *

D: Everything is a boomerang if you throw it up

W: I have found the true meaning of life

* * *

D: Some kid was running with a cart in Walmart and he ran over my foot

D: I accidentally taught a 4 year old how to swear in Russian

D: Bruce is giving me 'The look'

* * *

W: You rich bastard

* * *

D: I can say the alphabet backwards

W: No one should have that much power

* * *

D: I am going to hit you so hard words describing it will appear out of thin air


	2. Chapter 2

W: Why did Roy just call me and tell me your in jail?

* * *

D: I have a blog where I post about the stupid things you and Roy do

W: Wait

W: WHAT?!

D: Anyways, I got a thing, bye!

W: Wait a second!

W: Dick?

* * *

W: What would happen if a orange and a cheetah had a baby?

D: Go look in the mirror

* * *

D: Wally

D: Wally

D: Wally

D: You can't ignore me forever

D: Wally

D: WaLlY

D: WaLLy

D: WALLY

D: I'm marrying Roy

W: Like hell you are

D: Gotcha

D: I told you that you couldn't ignore me forever

* * *

W: Press "Ctrl-H Type a single period in the "Find What" field and type another period in the "Replace With" field. Click "More" and open the "Format" drop-down menu in the Replace section at the bottom of the dialog box. Place the typing cursor in the "Replace With" field to switch to the Replace section. Pick "Font" from the "Format" list. Choose the font size you want for your periods. To keep the periods from standing out too noticeably, move up only one size from your text. You can also type in a custom size, such as "13" for a smaller move up than jumping from 12-point type to 14-point periods. Click "OK" and press "Replace All" to make every period larger. Using Word's default font, Calibri, changing the periods from 12 point to 13 point adds about four lines per page.

D: ...

D: My bedroom windows unlocked

* * *

D: If you add 2 eggs and 1/2 a cup of oil any cake mix turns into cookie dough

W: This much power is dangerous

* * *

W: If a fork is made out of gold is it still silverware?

D: I hate you.

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: I'm sick

R: Of you

W: Ouch, your so mean to us

R: Suck it up

D: Technically, every living thing has germs in and on it, so, technically Roy is sick of this planet.

W: Damnit

R: I'm leaving

* * *

W: BANG

D: KAPOW

W: OOF

D: WHACK

W: WAZOW

D: AHHH

* * *

W: I'm good at math

W: U + I=69

D: No, wait

D: U + I=145 as the atomic number for Uranium is 92 and the atomic number for I is 53

D: 'Cause we got chemistry

W: Damnit that was smooth

D: like my bedsheets

* * *

D: Text posts are like children

D: You delete the ones that don't succeed

W: What

* * *

W: Do you ever feel like there are bugs on you when there are none?

D: They're the ghosts of the bugs you've killed

W: I wish I could unread that

* * *

D: Accordion to the recent survey, replacing words with the name of a musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected

W: I am so angry

* * *

D: What's the currency in space?

W: Starbucks

* * *

D: So, you just, don't believe in drunk texting me your feelings anymore?

W: I guess I don't need to be drunk to tell someone how I feel

D: ...

W: ...

D: That was uncharacteristically mature of you

W: I know

W: It scared me too

* * *

D: What if rocks are actually soft and they just tense up when we touch them

W: You rock

* * *

W: Sleeping is great because it's like being dead but without the commitment

D: An open relationship with death

W: Death with benefits

D: A every night stand

* * *

D: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos

W: What if I die tomorrow before I eat my nachos?

D: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day

W: Get out

* * *

W: The teacher said "hit the lights" and a kid punched the light switch so hard it broke

D: Public school is great

* * *

D: Give me 3 reasons why I shouldn't turn into a slug right now

W: I can't think of any and it's pissing me off

* * *

W: Should I go back to school tomorrow or should I fling myself into the ocean?

D: ...

D: I'll meet you at the beach

* * *

D: If i was trapped in a room with explosives and the only way to escape was to eat a whole tomato I would die

W: How the hell would you even end up in that situation?!

D: You don't know Gotham like I do

* * *

W: What's you street name?

D: Red X

W: ...

D: OH, you meant my address

* * *

D: What if every spider I've killed thought it was living in my house with me the whole time and one day I just flew off the handle and murdered it

W: Why are you on Tumbler at 3am

* * *

W: STOP TELLING EVERYONE IM DEAD

D: STOP PROPOSING TO ME WITH RING POPS IN PUBLIC

* * *

W: Oh my gosh

W: I just realized

W: There called pancakes because they're like cakes

W: That you make

W: In a pan

D: Are you okay?

* * *

D: If you want to mess with people try drinking Windex from a Gatorade bottle

W: Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

D: No

* * *

D: What if we cry when cutting onions because at some point in history onions abused the human race and now we on instinct we cry in fear of their presence

W: I'm coming to give you a hug

* * *

W: One time when I was out with aunt Iris we went to a café and she ordered tea, when we walked away the waiter that served us said "tea you later" and his co-worker smacked him

D: Your life is amazing

* * *

W: Ice cubes float in their own blood

D: You'll float too

W: I hate you

W: So much

* * *

D: Are you flirting with me?

W: I have been for the last two years

W: But thank you for noticing

* * *

D: What of our phobias are based off how we died in a past life

W: (softly) oh shit

* * *

W: I want to go on a shopping trip where I am the only one shopping it's dark and everything is free

D: That's called a night time robbery

W: So be it

D: I'm in


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm using this as an excuse to not edit.**

 **Whoops.**

* * *

W: What did you do with my boobs?!

D: ...

D: I don't know how you want me to respond

W: I MEANT BOOTS DAMNIT

* * *

D: She wears short skirts...

W: What?

D: I wear T-shirts...

W: ...

D: She's cheer captain...

W: Don't you dare

D: And I'm the dark lord satan

W: Why are you like this?!

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

W: Chemistry is more like cheMYSTERY because I have no idea what's going on

D: Calculus is more like calKILLus because part of my sanity dies with every equation

W: Biology is more like BYEology because I'm out

D: Math is more like no

R: YOU TWO ARE LITERAL GENIUSES

* * *

D: Take me to museums and make out with me

W: But they said not to touch the masterpieces

D: Dude

* * *

W: If in a year, I'm single and your single...

D: Wally, no

W: A month

D: No, Wally

W: A week

D: Sure

* * *

W: How much do we have to flirt to be listed as a couple?

D: I think we're safe for now

W: What a relief

* * *

W: Barry tried to pick up a banana to make it look like he was talking on the phone but all the bananas in the bunch came with it and he just looked at me and said "I guess it's a conference call"

D: A++ recovery

W: Don't encourage him

* * *

W: Switzerland accidentally invaded Liechtenstein

W: Liechtenstein was cool with it

D: Just because I am in Switzerland dosent mean it's all you should text me about!

* * *

W: If it weren't illegal I would eat cereal for every meal of the day

D: It's 2am but I have some wonderful news for you

* * *

D: If I cut my foot of and swing it at you am I hitting you or kicking you

W: Neither, your mentally scaring me

* * *

W: Are you okay dude?!

W: ...

W: Is a book character having difficulties again?

D: YOU DONT UNDERSTAND MY PAIN

* * *

D: Having seaweed brush up against you when your swimming is like having Satan slowly caress your legs and toes well smiling at you and whispering "mayonnaise"

W: I have never been this uncomfortable before

* * *

W: Snakes don't have arms?

W: They can't go bowling!

D: Damnit. There goes my snake bowling team. Screw this

* * *

D: My mind says college but my heart said isolated sheep herded in Iceland

W: YOUR FOURTEEN!

* * *

D: So this lady in front of us just gasped loudly and said "I forgot my dog!"

D: She forgot to bring her dog

D: To the vet

W: Why are you at the vet?

D: Don't sweat the details

* * *

W: It's 4am and there's a cat sleeping on my chest

W: I don't own a cat

D: You do now

* * *

D: If i were in the Hunger Games I would fill one of those parachute gift things with all kinds of poisonous berries and then climb into trees and send them down to other tributes

W: I love your evil mind

* * *

W: It snowed for the first time today and naturally I'd been on my computer all day and didn't know and aunt Iris asked me to take out the trash so I stepped out into about an inch of snow and ice and I just yelled " _What the HELL_ " and then I herd my neighbour in his backyard go "Oh my god, he's outside"

D: You have great neighbours

* * *

D: Firefly is the opposite of waterfall

W: What have you done

* * *

W: It's hard being hilarious when everyone ignores you

D: Sorry, did you say something?

* * *

D: Nothing will screw you up as much as the realization that there's no real reason the alphabet has to be in any certain order

W: I told this to uncle Barry and he hasn't moved in 15 minutes

* * *

W: There are so many Starbucks employees here

D: Where are you?

W: Starbucks

* * *

\- Special guest apparence from Roy -

D: Your the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup

R: Soup is delicious

* * *

W: My cookies won't fit in the cupboards because of all your cereal

D: One of our addictions has to give

* * *

D: I asked the waitress for a steak knife but she could see in my eyes it was a bad idea

W: Smart women

* * *

W: I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

W: I SHOULDN'T BE ON A TRAIN

* * *

D: No need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything, nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable

* * *

W: I want a burrito

D: You are truly the voice of our generation

* * *

D: Did you put 9lbs of bird seed on my bed?

W: You weighed it?

* * *

D: I got suspended

W: What did you do?!

D: The teacher said that the stupidest person in the world lives in Canada

W: Okay...

D: And I said

D: "You must me mistaking, sir, you live in America"

W: You are a truly beautiful person

* * *

W: I love the smell of upsexy

D: What's that?

W: What do you mean?

D: You said "I love the smell of upsexy" what's that?

W: Your supposed to say, What's upsexy?

D: Nothing much, you?

* * *

D: Dude, it's been three weeks since I've eaten a vegetable

D: Why stop at capitalism? Destroy everything

W: You truly are satan

* * *

W: You just left me a three minute voice message of you eating pop rocks

W: I'm sitting right next to you

* * *

D: People always shoot down my ideas and I'm sick of it,

D: Two sentences in and everyone's all "You can't do that" or "That's illegal"

D: Let me speak damnit

* * *

D: If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow it's not what you think

B: Dick

D: Oh...hey Bruce

D: Wong number...

B: Call me

D: No, it's fine, don't worry about it

B: Dick

B: Call me

* * *

D: I'm grounded

W: What did you do?

D: You don't want to know

* * *

 **If your wondering about the Canada one it's because I'm Canadian ^-^**


	4. Chapter 4

**If your wondering about the November joke, this chapter was written in November.**

* * *

W: Knock knock

D: Hello?

W: Your supposed to say 'who's there?'

W: It's the most basic of jokes!

D: Your the most basic of jokes

* * *

D: SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS

W: ITS THE NOVEMBER

D: JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING RING TING TINGLING

* * *

W: What is it called when you shot someone on Halloween

D: Trigger treating

W: dude

D: What should I be for Halloween?

W: My boyfriend

D: Okay

D: But I expect all of your KitKats

* * *

D: What's December without Christmas Eve?

W: February

W: Fucking February

* * *

W: I dressed up as a target worker last year and they started training me to work there so I worked at target for awhile

D: This year you should dress up as a successful high school student

W: Your so mean to me

* * *

D: Laptop over heating? Pour water on it!

W: To think I trust you

D: Do not trust people like me. I will take you to museums and parks and ice cream parlours and kiss you in every beautiful inch of this world, I will make you live for the moments where your heart beats faster and you feel so hot it's like your swimming in lava, I will make you need me. I will make it so you can't go back to the way it was, so you can't escape the cold grip that freezes your heart and threatens to shatter it. I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. I will make it so you can't look at the stars with out tasting blood and remembering those moments where the wind sung and the world was colourful. Then, when I leave, you will finally understand why storms are named after people, and your world will be nothing but black and white.

* * *

W: My teacher is dressed up as a stingray

D: LETS NAME THE ZONES, THE ZONES, THE ZONES, LETS NAME THE ZONES OF THE OPEN SEEEEEEEAAAAAAA!

* * *

D: Getting married on Halloween would be great because

D: 1) Never worry about forgetting an anniversary

D: 2) Forget formal wear, guests wear costumes, end of story

D: 3) Pumpkin pie wedding cake

D: 4) Who throws bouquets? I want to Lunch a whole pumpkin over my head

W: You've thought a lot about this

W: Don't deny it

W: I can tell

* * *

D: Do you think pigeons have feelings?

W: GO. TO. BED.

* * *

W: Dude you smoother than a smoothie

D: I'm too hot

* * *

D: Yes, yes it is

D: Is time travel possible?

* * *

W: I'm an idiot

D: ...

W: ...

D: ...

D: If your waiting for me to disagree it's going to be a long night

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: Why am I dressed like a clown

W: Do you not like it?

R: Dick I know this is your idea

D: What makes you say that?!

R: Wally never dose anything unless you tell him to

W: That's not true!

D: It's okay: Roy doesn't know what he's talking about

D: Can you come help me with homework?

W: On my way!

R: ...

D: Not a word Roy

D: Not. A. Word

* * *

D: February shouldn't be 28 days (29 on a leap year)

D: Instead we should take the 31st days off the first two months and give them to February, making it have 30 days for all years

W: But what about the leap year?

D: October 32nd, Halloween: _Part ll_

W: Your the genius this generation deserves

* * *

W: "Poison" is a social construct created to keep me from eating delicious mushrooms I find on the ground

D: Your so lucky you have me

* * *

D: Question: Do I get out of bed or stay in it?

W: Both. You get out of your bed, then get in mine

* * *

W: I lost my number

W: Can you give me yours?

W: Your credit card number that is

* * *

W: Notice how all of humanity has gone down hill since they decided Pluto want a planet anymore

D: Actually, Pluto was the Roman's name for Hades. They named a planet after the god of death then revoked its planetary status and thought everything would be okay

W: We are a society of fools

* * *

W: If you ever find yourself trapped in a Disney movie remember one thing...

W: If it's lime green, its evil

D: **E** very **V** illain **I** s **L** ime

* * *

W: Why do I keep hearing rumours of a 'hot ebony with blue eyes and a gothimte accent' eating lunch in the school cafeteria?

D: So, they think I'm hot huh?

* * *

D: Alight fine

D: But we have to be quiet

W: Ninja mode activated

* * *

W: I was in a pumpkin field a few days before Halloween and there was this one pumpkin that was like four times bigger than the others and this girl with purple hair walked by with her friend and said "Look, Garfield, this pumpkin is _almost_ as big as your fucking ego!" And I've never seen anyone look so betrayed

D: ...

D: His name was Garfield

D: THATS ALMOST AS BAD AS 'WALLY'

W: SHUT UP DICK


	5. Chapter 5

_\- From chapter 4 -_

 _W: Why do I keep hearing rumours of a 'hot ebony with blue eyes and a gothimte accent' eating lunch in the school cafeteria?_

 _D: So, they think I'm hot huh?_

* * *

The halls were alive with rumours and Wally was starting to feel like everyone knew something he didn't. In fact, he was certain of it. Leaning to his left he tried to catch the whispers of the two girls next to him,

"Is he hot?" The blond asked, turning Wally away from the conversation, but not before he could catch the reply from her friend;

"Yeah! But Melly said he sounds like he's from Gotham!" there was genuine concern in her voice, most of the world did sympathize with Gothamite's. Wally leaned farther in his chair, more invested in the conversation now that he knew they weren't just gossiping about a guy from the other homeroom,

"Wallace!" His teacher, a rather angry women, snapped. Lowering the chalk away from the black bored and laying her hands on her hips. He rushed to sit up straight without alerting the girls to the fact that he had been listening in, but in his rushed shock the only thing he accomplished was falling out of his chair.

It was going to be one of those days.

* * *

Wally slammed his locker shut, paying no mind to the empty space and the missing book that was supposed to be there. Taking to the marble hallways of his school he wondered how much trouble it would be for James and Hartley to rob a bank and get him out of school.

"Figures a guy like him would ware sunglasses inside." A guy scoffed, folding his arms over his chest and leaning against a wall, his Central City high school football jacket riding up slightly,

"He's pretty cool." His friend replied, spinning the football in his grip and shrugging his shoulders before going back to tossing the ball up and down lazily, catching it each time.

"Think we can get him on the team?" The first asked, sounding a lot more fond now knowing that his friend felt similar, he ran a hand through his brown hair and scowled, probably recalling the football game from the Friday before, which they lost.

"He doesn't even go to school here"

Wally nearly walked into a wall trying to hear the rest of the conversation, stepping around the corner just in time, and frowning as he remember the conversation between the two girls from that morning.

* * *

"His hair was as dark as my soul." The female voice from the far side of the library had Wally's full attention, the math text book on the table in front of him was completely forgotten, if he really needed to study he could always get Dick to teach him whatever he was struggling with. Sounded more fun than staring at a book for thirty minutes.

"Don't forget his eyes Lissa! they were as blue as a diamond!" Lissa chuckled, humouring the excited girl next to her. Wally couldn't see them through the bookshelf between them but he could imagine the bubbly brunette sitting on a desk and swinging her feet well the dark haired goth next to her drew witches in her notebook.

"Yes, Melody, as bright as the tears of a dragon"

Wally assumed that meant they were very bright and wondered, not for the first time, How Lissa and Melody had come to be such close friends. Although he had a sneaking suspicion it was more than that.

* * *

"His thoughts on quantum mechanics are next level!" Mike voiced his thoughts in a hushed tone, not pausing the rapide pace at which he was copy notes down.

Wally had the sudden urge to slam his head inside his text book and scream.

"I never thought that someone our age could have such a clear understanding of Erwin Schrödinger's theory!" Adjusting her glasses Lilly signed dreamily, already having finished the teachers next three sentences, and being free to rest her chin in her hands and ignore the black strands of hair that hung in front of her eyes.

"And the way he demonstrated how heat and pressure affect each other with nothing but a cafeteria spoon was mind blowing!" Jackson's tone was similar to Lilly's and Wally held back a laugh as the admiration turned to a yelp, presumably cause by Mike kicking him under the table.

Resisting the urge to turn around and interrogate his three classmates Wally checked the clock for the seventh time and reminded himself that he only had another twenty minutes until he could investigate the mysteries stranger that everyone was suddenly smitten with. It remind his of Dick's magic ability to make himself at home in any environment.

Eyes widening, and jaw clenching Wally really hoped his brain was making things up, he pulled out his phone and drew a line in the sand;

 _'Why do I keep hearing rumours of a 'hot ebony with blue eyes and a gothimte accent' eating lunch in the school cafeteria?'_

His phone buzzed in his hands a moment later and he signed. Dick was out to ruin his life. He had enough time to read the message before the teacher was clearing his throat and giving him an accusing look.

 _'So, they think I'm hot huh?'_

When the bell signalling his lunch period finally rang Wally had never loved a sound so much. He was the first out of the classroom and was half way down the hallway before he realized he had forgotten his pencil. Making quick work of the hallways he entered the cafeteria only ten minutes later, pencil held in a lose grip.

He didn't even make it all the way into the room before Wally had to stop and sigh.

In the centre of the room sitting _on_ the table was the one and only Dick Grayson. His sunglasses where set on top of his head and in his hand was a book that he had borrowed from Wally, or maybe Wally had borrowed it from him, they had gone back and forth with the book so many times Wally couldn't remember who it originally belonged to.

Dick's voice was loud and clear as he spoke, bringing life to the words on the page. It was nearly impossible to take your eyes off him.

Tearing his eyes away from Dick and looking at the rest of the room Wally found every single soul in the room was hanging off every word, and judging by the way the words rolled off his lips Dick was on the twelfth chapter, his favourite part, which means that Dick had managed to hold the attention of Wally's peers for more than twenty minutes, a truly difficult task, especially considering that he was reading Shakespeare, never once stuttering or stumbling over his words. Wally groaned and banged his head off the doorframe a few times, then once more for good mesure.

The friendship between average high school student Wally West and genius billionaire Dick Grayson was one of the best kept secrets in the world.

Or at least it _used_ to be.

"Wally! Dude it took you long enough!" Dicks voice had stoped reading- more like acting- the words from the book and started greeting him, making all eyes turn from Dick to Wally, "got a pencil?"

Wally found himself tossing the pencil across the room, following after it, and being only remotely surprised when Dick dashed to his feet to catch the pencil in his hand, Wally waited patiently as Dick scribbled something out in the book and rewrote it, repeating the sentence and looking pleased with how he improved it.- and having read the book Wally could say that the he _did_ improve it- the book was full of notes like that, from the both of them.

Ignoring the eyes on him Wally crossed the room, people literally moving out of his way, and grabbed the sleeve of _his_ shirt, pulling Dick towards the doors.

A marathon of protests came with the action but Dick silence the whole crowd with a wave and a promise to return,

As soon as they were out of sight the cafeteria erupted in a uproar of gossip.

Closing the wooden door and locking it behind him Wally gave Dick his best glare.

"Dude, _what_ are you doing here!?" Wally demanded, watching as Dick set his sunglasses and the book on a clean table and tucked Wally's pencil behind his ear, taking a shocked step back when he found Wally suddenly directly in front of him, his back hitting the solid wall.

"Reading Shakespeare," came Dick's cheeky reply and Wally has never wanted to strangle something so badly.

"But why?!" Wally's voice was whinier than he wanted it to be and he gave Dick a look, daring him to comment on it.

"Maybe I missed you" Wally's face turned a shade redder and he was surprised to find a similar brush of red across Dick's cheeks, he felt Dick's hand grip his shirt, bunching up the fabric,

"Maybe I felt like you never want to hang out with me anymore" Wally went to protest, to convince Dick that wasn't true, by any means necessary, but his breath caught in his throat as he felt Dick pulling him closer.

"Maybe I wanted attention" Dick's lips where right next to his ear now and he could feel Dick's unbalanced and drawn-out breaths, Wally got the feeling that the younger was more distressed than he was showing so he brought his hands up from his sides and wrapped them around the birds torso, scowling at how thin the fourteen year old was, Wally could wrap his arms around him fully and touch his other elbow. They were going out for dinner later.

"I-I... L-" the words died on his lips and what ever he was going to say was lost as Dick rested his chin on his shoulder, nuzzling into his neck, and Wally was as red as his hair, which Dick's careful fingers were currently tangled in.

They stood in silence for a moment, Wally's hands wrapped tightly around Dick's thin torso and Dick's entire weight draped over Wally, relying on the speedster to keep him on his own two feet.

The silence was cut off by the shrill ring of the bell and Wally had never hated a sound so much. Withdrawing his hands and slipping out of Wally's grip Dick flashed him the enchanting grin he was famous for,

"Looks like it's time I return to my adoring public" he joked, already halfway across the room, Wally opened his mouth to invite himself but Dick was already shooting him down,

"And you have class." Dick sounded all too pleased that Wally wanted his attention and paused only to grab the book and his glasses off the desk he left them on,

"Come home with me after school?" Wally offered, despite knowing that Dick would have anyways and got only a nod, then the younger had slipped out of the room.

Wally took a greedy moment to take a breath before he found himself following Dick out of the room.

* * *

 **Dick and Wally sharing a Shakespeare book and crossing things out then rewriting/improving them is my new favourite thing.**


	6. Chapter 6

D: Vikturi is ours!

W: Don't you mean victory?

D: No

D: No I do not

* * *

W: I would follow you to the ends of the earth with only mild complaining

D: I have a idea

* * *

D: I've been annoyed since I was born

* * *

W: I will not be impressed at technology until I can download food from the internet

D: Well...

W: No way...

W: What have you been going at 3 am?!

D: I have been working on something...

* * *

W: But do aliens believe in me?

D: Ask

* * *

D: Don't you hate it when you offer your help and the other person says yes?

W: What is it this time?

* * *

W: Do dogs think in barks?

D: I don't know

D: Do you?

W: DUDE WHAT THE FUCK

* * *

D: My therapist once told me I was obsessed with seeking revenge... we'll see about that

W: Is this why I haven't herd from Roy in 5 days?

* * *

W: Dude, did some supervillain put you on the F.B.I's most wanted list?

D: No

D: I did that all by myself

* * *

D: My neutral expression makes me look like I'm always in a bad mood, which is convenient because it's usually true

* * *

W: Dude

W: It was just a show

D: NO

D: THEY HAD A BONDING MOMENT

* * *

D: The sexual tension between two characters when one of them says 'make me'

W: You really need to stop obsessing over things like this

D: Make me!

W: ...

D: ...

W: Damn

D: The windows unlocked again

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

W: Look on the bright side, at least now that your at rock bottom, the only way to go it up

D: Don't underestimate Roy, he's willing to dig

W: ...

W: He started at the bottom and was somehow able to get lower

R: I CAN HEAR YOU

* * *

D: I use humour to cover up the fact that I want to jump off a bridge

W: Dude

W: I've seen you jump off a bridge

* * *

D: The number of times I think 'I don't care' while people are talking to me is getting really out of hand

W: The last person you talked to was me

D: I know

* * *

W: Hugging Tip #68: Hug them for just a bit too long and whisper 'hail Hydra' into their ear

D: You can hug me anytime you want

* * *

D: What do you mean it's inappropriate to have 'I'll be back' written on my tombstone?!

* * *

W: How much do islands cost? I want one

D: Around $100,000

W: ...

W: How do you know that?

D: ...

W: You better not have an island that you didn't tell me about

D: Surprise?

* * *

D: Sometimes it physically pains me to hold back my sarcastic comments

W: You hold them back?

* * *

D: The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single fucking one of them

W: Do you need a hug?

D: Yes

* * *

W: Houston I have so many problems

D: _Error, message ignored_

W: Houston?

* * *

D: Why can you say 'can I pet your dog?' In 23 languages?

W: Why can you say 'I'm sorry for my friend he's just an idiot' in 23 languages?

D: ...

W: Ohhhhhh

* * *

W: If you want, we could have a bonding moment

D: I may be able to clear my schedule so you can cradle me in your arms

* * *

D: It's not murder if you say sorry afterwards

W: YES

W: YES IT IS

* * *

W: What do you think your best quality is?

D: 1080p probably

* * *

W: What's you favourite season?

D: Of what show?

W: ...

D: OH

D: YOU MEANT OUTSIDE

D: Yeah, no, fuck that shit

* * *

D: I'm the kind of person who, between two choices, always picks the wrong one

W: I know

W: I'm the type of person who has to deal with the consequences

* * *

W: Why are you like this?

D: The devil needed a partner

* * *

D: Hey, I asked Babs about those jeans

W: And...

D: She said they were fine

W: See? I told you!

* * *

W: Honestly my life is basically that gif where the dude is like "OH SHIT!" and the gif starts content aware scaling and then it just stops and goes back to normal and hes like "i'm okay"

D: I wish I didn't know what your talking about

* * *

D: You'll never find another me

W: I'm counting on it

* * *

W: There are two types of sneople: snake people & snail people

D: Your the best

* * *

D: Bruce and Clark are at it again

W: I wish they would kiss already

D: Ugh, their so oblivious

W: What are they saying?

D: "We are not friends Clark." "But we could be," "And if I don't want to be _friends_?"

W: The idiots

D: I know right?

* * *

W: In the daytime, I'm Wally, just a normal guy with a normal life. But there's something about me that no one knows yet, 'cause I have a secret.

D: They look at me and think I'm cool. I'm Robin. At night I rule. My skill is charged with energy. The talons are out, just watch and see.

* * *

D: Man, it must suck being a banker. I bet it gets pretty loanly

W: I don't know if I should kiss you or slap you

D: Why don't you do both?

* * *

W: What is the cheat code to a loving happy relationship?

W: Communication?

W: Commitment?

W: Humility?

D: "Modifyrelationship YourFirstName YourLastName TargetFirstName TargetLastName 100 Romance_Main" but make sure that you have cheat codes enabled first

* * *

D: You know, it's really rude to talk while I'm interrupting

W: Sorry, Sorry, go on, I can stay a hostage for a while longer

* * *

D: Hey

D: Wally

D: I got a waterbed

W: I'll bring the movies, you get the snacks

* * *

D: Wally

W: Yeah?

D: Bruce and I went out for lunch

W: Kay...

D: I had to request to sit at a different table

W: Okay...

D: Bruce was eating a hamburger with a fork

W: I'm calling the police

* * *

D: Wally, they say we've crossed the gay-line

W: Who's they?

W: How do they know about the line?

D: I don't know Wally

D: I don't know


	7. Chapter 7

D: Theres this crazy bitch is out to ruin my life

W: Who?

D: They always show up and make a huge scene

W: who?!

D: And they never shut up!

W: WHO?

D: Myself

* * *

W: Describe yourself in three words

D: I am a rebel

* * *

W: You keep talking bad about yourself and I will physically fight you

* * *

D: The matrix has you...

W: Don't do this to me

D: Follow the white rabbit...

W: I hate you

D: Knock knock, Wally

W: What is this witchcraft?!

* * *

W: If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?

D: Magic

* * *

D: Hey

W: Hi

D: What's up?

W: Nothing, you?

D: Same

* * *

D: I hate when someone leaves my room but doesn't shut the door completely

W: One sec

D: ?

D: ...

D: Did you just...

W: Yep

* * *

W: That moment you realize that the Powerpuff girls get their power from Chemical X

W: As in, the X Chromosone

W: Their power = Girl power

D: Why are you watching Powerpuff girls at 5am?

W: Don't sweat the small stuff

* * *

W: Dude your so slow!

D: I'm walking down the hallway!

W: Are you sure? I think a snail beat you here!

D: I can literally see you eating grapes

W: I'm going to die of old age before you get here!

D: Hey! Stoping throwing grapes at me!

* * *

W: I can't believe you took my grapes

* * *

D: You should be allowed to leave social events by announcing, "the part of me will now be played by this plate of cheese."

W: Rough night?

D: You have no idea

* * *

W: I'm calling the police

D: Why?!

W: I literally just watched you brush your teeth

D: So?!

W: And then you drank an entire glass of orange juice!

* * *

D: Dude, calm down, the spider is smaller than you

W: SO IS A BOMB

* * *

D: Do you need help?

W: **S** even

W: **C** rappy

W: **H** ours

W: **O** f

W: **O** ur

W: **L** ives

D: Rough day?

W: ...

D: Study session at the cave?

W: Fine

* * *

D: Get your ass back here or your totaled

W: Totally?

D: Totally

* * *

W: You need to learn how to dodge a grenade

D: I can

D: The problem was he had two

* * *

D: I'm so sick I could kill you

W: Don't you mean you could die?

D: No

* * *

W: I think your suffering from lack of Vitamin me

D: Do you want to die?

* * *

D: Hey

D: Wally

W: What?

D: Bruce bought a new chandelier

W: Why?

D: ...

D: Not important

W: What is important

D: It came...

D: Wrapped...

D: In...

W: Dude spit it out already

D: Bubble-Wrap Wally

D: Bubble-Wrap

* * *

W: If Spongebob lives in a circular pineapple then why dose the inside have corners?

D: Why would you do that to me?

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: Wally

R: You truly are a idiot

W: ?

D: He's right you know

W: Why are you so mean to me?!

R: Cause were friends, and your a idiot

W: Yes

D: Glad you agree

W: Wait!

W: That not what I meant!

D: No take backs

* * *

W: Punch-buggy no punch backs!

D: Hey! Harley and I play that game!

D: But it's a little different...

W: Different how...

D: Well, instead of punch-buggy no punch backs it's stabbuggy no stabbacks!

* * *

D: Knock knock

W: Who's there?

D: Mur

W: Mur who?

D: Mur... der

W: Dick no

* * *

D: STOP!

D: I could've dropped my croissant!

* * *

W: I hate when teachers leave a '?' when they grade my work

W: Like, I don't know what's going on either

D: My teachers all give me gold stars

W: Show off

D: You love it

W: I know

* * *

W: Don't trust people who can't admit that their favorite characters have flaws

D: Waluigi did nothing wrong

* * *

D: "Not all men" psh, your right. Superman would never do this.

W: I'm sorry okay!?

* * *

W: Do you

D: Nope

W: Damn, thanks anyways

* * *

D: I really just keep getting prettier, it's kinda alarming,

D: Like, in a couple years it will probably be impossible to look directly at me

D: I will look so pretty

W: Did someone give you a compliment?

* * *

D: I would just like to publicly announce that I have no idea what I'm doing

W: What!?

D: I just said I have no idea

D: Keep up West

* * *

W: It breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole loves following a map, when the real treasure is the friendship they build along the way

D: You adorable bastard

* * *

D: I'm like four days past my bedtime

W: Well, if you need help, you can always sleep with me

* * *

W: Is expired poison more poisonous or less poisonous?

D: More.

* * *

W: I wasn't that drunk

D: You were flirting with me

W: So?

D: You asked if I was single

W: And?

D: You cried when I said no

* * *

D: What did the ocean say to the other ocean?

W: What?

D: Nothing, they just waved

W: Oh

D: Did you sea what I did there?

W: Oh no

D: I'm shore you did

W: How do you have friends?

D: Don't be a beach

* * *

W: I'm hungry

D: Hi hungry, I'm Dick

W: Dude no, I'm serious

D: I thought you were hungry?

W: Are you kidding me?!

D: No, I'm Dick

* * *

D: Why did the chicken cross the road?

W: Why?

D: To get to the idiots house

D: Knock knock

W: Who's there?

D: The chicken

W: Now listen here you spoiled brat

D: I'm listening...

* * *

W: Dude there's a spider

W: Help

W: Dude

W: Dick...?

D: Dick is dead, your next.

D: Love, Spider

* * *

D: I totally failed my heath and safety class today

W: How do you even do that?

D: Well, one of the questions was "in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

W: And?

D: Apparently "hella big ones" was the wrong answer

* * *

W: If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on earth, do you think they would have a sun?

D: Only if they planet


	8. Chapter 8

**I have three authors notes today =^-^=**

 **1) How many chapter do you think I can drag this on before I give up and make birdflash cannon? I think until chapter 10 at least *wink wink nudge nudge* chose your votes carefully...**

 **B) Credit to** **Scarletty666** **who came up with one of these. (Not going to say which cause spoilers.) (He knows which one) (So kudos to him.)**

 **W) Hey guys, wanna know a secret? If if you look closely, this book has a plot, Owo.**

* * *

W: We get it! Your adorable! Stop showing off!

D: You can never be too sure

* * *

D: I love you

D: I don't love you, your aunt took my phone

W: You don't love me?

D: ...

D: We'll talk about this later

* * *

W: Robbie?

D: I'll be there in five minutes. if not, read this again

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: Why to we have to be here again?

R: And why do we have to "behave"?

D: Because Bruce said so and you don't want to be _that_ guy who goes around embarrassing himself and making his friends pretend they don't know him

W: You guys, I'm right here

R: What?

W: Your talking about me like I'm not even here

D: We weren't talking about you

W: Promise?

R: Yeah,

W: Alright, sorry, I'm cool, I don't want to be _that_ guy who's to prideful to admit when he's wrong and can't back down and probably pops his collar

R: Guys, I'm right here

D: Dude, he wasn't referring to you,

R: Look, it's not my fault that I'm so strong and tall and all around better than you guys

D: Dude, nice try

W: Hey guys, if we want to get out of here before the rush hour we should avoid the high way,

R: Why?

W: The cops are looking for homicidal maniac

D: I'M RIGHT HERE GUYS

* * *

D: I bet I can get you to say red

W: Bring it on

D: What colour is the sky?

W: ...Blue

D: HA! I win, I told you I could get you to say blue

W: No, you said red

W: ...Wait did you just...

W: Damnit

D: BOOM!

* * *

D: My day was just made

W: What kind of dog was it?

* * *

W: If you teach your parrot to say 'parrot' it's probably the closer you'll ever get to owning a Pokémon

D: Okay so every time someone comes over they'll tell Jason's parrot 'your a bird' and then he would say it back, one time I was home alone and very quietly I heard it say 'I'm a bird' and I dropped a plate

* * *

D: If your ever sad just yell " **FOOTBALL** " as loud as you can and throw whatever your holding

W: What if it's a baby?

D: Did I stutter?

* * *

W: What are you doing?

D: Laying in bed

W: That's it?

D: I'm eating cereal

W: And if I were laying in bed next to you?

D: I'd be eating cereal

W: And of their was no cereal?

D: I'd be eating whipped cream

* * *

D: Don't save my name as anything sketchy

W: Okay dude, I got you

* * *

W: Send me words of encouragement so I don't kill anyone

D: There is no Netflix in prison

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Bruce -

B: The worst possible thing you could do would be to take things into your own hands

D: Okay, I've got this Bruce

* * *

D: It looks like we're going to have to take things into our own hands

W: Got it

* * *

D: Corals die if they get stressed so if I was a coral I would be dead

W: What do corals even get stressed about?!

D: Current events

W: Get out

* * *

W: Lasers were once a huge scientific discovery, now we use them to play with cats

D: Computers were once a huge scientific discovery, now we use them to look at cats

D: Conclusion: Science was made for cats

* * *

W: My favorite words are 'Rob' 'canceled' and 'pizza'

D: Rob canceled free pizza

W: Why would you even say something like that

* * *

D: (/•.•)/ TO THE WINDOOOOW!

W: Are you okay?

D: \\(•.•\\) TO THE WALLLL!

W: Guess not

* * *

W: Want to hear a bird joke? They always _quack_ me up

D: This will be _emu_ sing

W: Right? And to think, Roy told me to _crow_ up

W: ...Okay, I'm out of bird jokes

D: Well, this is _hawk_ ward...

* * *

D: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR LOWERCASE CLASS

W: And here we capitalist

D: Dude

* * *

W: Robbie!

W: I'm so hungover...

W: I can't hold my liquor well

D: Tsk, tsk- I know how to hold _my_ liquor

D: With two hands, So I don't drop it

* * *

D: Dude, why aren't you picking up when I call you?

W: I can explain

D: Well...

W: I really like my ring tone

D: It is literally my laugh

W: I know!

* * *

W: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's move immediately" why are elephants more advanced then us?

D: We do have a specific noise, it sounds like "there are bees here, let's move immediately"

* * *

D: Hey, let's talk about soap

D: Ajax soap

D: Their slogan is "stronger than grease"

D: And at first I was like "Yeah, that makes sense, 'cause it's dis- wait"

D: Ajax was a Greek soldier who was renowned for his strength

D: _Ajax was stronger than all of Greece_

W: Someone who worked at Ajax has waited 70 years for you

* * *

D: There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

W: You know, only a fraction of people will find this funny

D: Hey, come some people appreciate jokes, some don't, the division is clear

* * *

W: Dude what happened to you face?

D: I got in a fight

D: What's your excuse?

D: Nice

W: Did you just 'nice' your own joke?

D: You would too, if you could make jokes

D: Nice

* * *

D: A wild heterosexual has appeared

D: You use your pride

D: It has limited effect


	9. Chapter 9

**Important A/N at end of chapter.**

* * *

W: Dude I can't believe you won prom king

D: Really? I'm not surprised

W: You don't even go to my school!

* * *

D: Don't listen to her dude

D: Your not a joke

W: Yeah, thanks

D: Jokes are funny

* * *

D: I'm not getting out of bed today

W: Not happening! Come on! Up up up!

W: It's garbage can garbage cannot!

* * *

W: Can you take out the carnage?

D: So you've finally crossed over to the darkside? I've been waiting for this day for a long time, now we can betray the heroes and eliminate all other obstacles. World domination is just a hop skip and a jump away!

W: Dude

W: I meant garbage

W: Can you take you the garbage out

D: Oh...

D: Good thing I was just joking then

D: Heh

* * *

D: Why are your lips covered in smeared lipstick?

W: I could ask you the same thing

* * *

W: I just poured milk into a house plant

W: Sometimes I think I'm an idiot

D: Oh, I do that all the time

W: Pour milk in house plants?

D: No, think your an idiot

* * *

D: 3 or 4 ripe bananas, smashed

D: 1/3 cup melted butter

D: 1 cup sugar

D: 1 egg, beaten

D: 1 teaspoon vanilla

D: 1 teaspoon baking soda

D: A pinch of salt

D: 1 & 1/2 cups of all purpose flour

W: What is this a recipe for?

W: Why did you wake me up for this

D: Shut the fuck up

W: Okay, goodnight

D: It's banana bread

* * *

W: ...

W: Dude...

D: Yes dearest dear?

W: Are you... drunk?

* * *

D: I'm dying

W: What?

D: I've been diagnosed with Synchronous Diaphragmatic Flutter

W: Seriously dude?

W: Why you gotta scare me like that?

* * *

W: Should I get pizza?

W: My arms been chopped off by a psychopath

D: Okay I'm sorry I'll save you

W: I already bled out

W: That's what happens when you take 30 minutes to reply to texts

W: People die

* * *

D: I can't believe NASA is recording billions of SMS

W: Must be a hoax, they can't have gone so far

D: Are you so naive? FUCK NASIA

N: _Heard you_

W: What's this?

D: Bastards

* * *

D: It's the inside that matters

W: Oh really? Give me an example

D: Refrigerator

W: Good point

* * *

D: In a meeting

D: In a meeting

D: In a meeting

D: In a meeting

D: In a meeting

D: In a meeting

D: In a meeting

D: In a meeting

D: In a meeting

W: Are you in a meeting?

D: No, why?

* * *

W: Why aren't you answering

D: Sorry, lost my phone

D: I'll text you when I find it

W: Okay

* * *

D: We should invest in a army of llamas

W: I'm listening

D: 1) They spit at people

D: 2) We can ride them

D: 3) Their soft and we can put hats on them

W: I'm sold

* * *

D: I wasn't able to make reservations at the library

D: Yeah, their...

W: Don't say it

D: Completely booked

W: You had to say it

* * *

W: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you!

D: And I'm trying subtlety to avoid it!

* * *

W: This is my life now

W: I have climbed this hill and now I will die on it

D: Shut up, we've only been hiking for 20 minutes

* * *

D: Right now I don't know if I want to kiss you or push you off a bridge

W: Can I pick?

* * *

W: So, what's our exit strategy?

D: Our what?

W: Oh my god, we're all going to die

* * *

D: Never trust a survivor until you find out what they did to survive

W: What are you watching?!

* * *

W: I hate you

D: Why? I'm lovely

* * *

W: What now?

D: I don't know, I thought the jump would kill us

* * *

D: Did you just...

D: Agree with me?

W: Yes! And I wish I could take it back!

D: Nope! You said it! No take-backs!

W: Damn it, Why aren't you obeying the laws of physics?!

* * *

W: Take my hand,

D: Why?

W: I'm trying to ask you to marry me, so take my damn hand!

* * *

D: Gravity is such a bitch

W: What did you do?

D: Me?! Gravity started it!

* * *

D: Why are your hands purple?

W: That is a very good question

* * *

W: How do we keep getting into these situations?

D: Four years of friendship and I still don't know

* * *

D: it's a long story...

W: You conned me into thinking you we're dead for eleven weeks

W: I have time

* * *

W: Why are you glaring at me?

D: I'm hoping you'll spontaneously combust

* * *

D: Why do people keep trying to put a blanket on me?

W: Because your in shock

D: That doesn't mean I need a fucking blanket!

* * *

W: Do you think we can do this?

D: It'll take a miracle, and even then- probably not

* * *

D: I feel like I'm drowning in a bottle of wine

W: There are worse things to drown in

* * *

D: You have such comfy clothes

* * *

D: Give me one good reason I should wear a dress

W: I think we'll leave that up to them

W: And you know they'll come up with more than one

* * *

W: Started my day getting attack by balloons at the super market

W: Things got worse from there

* * *

D: You don't get to pin this brake-in on me!

W: But you're the one who _broke in_!

* * *

W: Why did you put fireworks next to the bomb?

D: I wanted it to be pretty

W: It was supposed to be subtle!

* * *

W: Who's Renegade?

D: Not a clue

* * *

W: Did you hack my toster?

D: I will not confirm nor deny that statement

* * *

D: The following statement is true

D: The previous statement is false

W: It's 4am but I'm not opposed to killing you

* * *

W: Since when can you cook?

D: Since I met you

* * *

 **The important A/N;**

 **So, for those of you that don't know, every fifth chapter (5, 10, 15, etc) is a fic chapter, notice how chapter 5 was story formatted and based off a text? Basically you guys vote and pick one from the previous four chapters (6,7,8, and this one) and after a few hours or so I'll take the one that has the most votes and write it out.**

 **Oh, and, almost all of these can lead to birdflash, but how it happens, and how angst-y it is depends on votes.**


	10. Chapter 10

_\- From chapter 9 -_

 _D: Why do people keep trying to put a blanket on me?_  
 _W: Because you're in shock_  
 _D: That doesn't mean I need a fucking blanket!_

* * *

 _A child._

His team was scattered around him, like coins that had been thrown into the air and crashed back to the earth at random. His body layer against the ground in the same position that it had landed in when the explosion of the now burning building threw them all off their feet. His cheek pressed against the harsh ground and he could feel the dust stick to his lungs when he stole a breath and there was a rock digging into his cheek, he could feel it cutting into his almost numb skin. Fighting against the dizziness that overtook his mind he forced himself to his knees and swiped his forearm across his forehead, whipping off the blood with his shaking hands, he willed them to still.

 _A poor orphan._

"Oh? The bird still wants to play!" A chipper voice made his head throb and he swayed briefly, hearing his death approach him in the form of the man in the purple suit. Reaching for a deep breath and nearly choking on it Robin stood on shaky legs, only to jerk back as a pale hand wove it's way through his hair and jerked him up and pulling him close- _too close_ \- his knees giving out from under him. He could feel his heart spike and for a second it stopped, a hot flush dancing through his body, followed by a cold chill.

 _Charity case._

"We should play one more round!" Came the voice, pensive, as if considering it.

"Not now! We've got to go before the bat shows up!" A voice followed, panicked and scattered, but set in madness.

"One more round Scaredy Crow." It was threatening, directed towards the bird.

 _Fag._

He had no time to brace himself, he couldn't even see properly, his vision crowed with blood and sweat. The crowbar slammed into his ribs only once, the same time the hand in his hair disappeared, hitting him like a baseball, and it was enough to send him crashing into the ground, sliding a few feet and kicking up dust. He could feel like lingering pains of the hit as three different ribs broke, and his vision spun, almost enough to make him throw up. Pushing onto his side and coughing up blood he curled into himself on the impact of a solid boot striking him in the chest.

 _Worthless._

"We've got to go!" The second voice returned, rushed and closer, pulling this first away from him, Robin wasn't even sure if they were real anymore. His vision keep flickering in and out, hadn't he been injected with something?

 _Killer._

The man in the purple suit unceremoniously dropped the rusted crowbar onto the bird's chest, giggling to himself as he walked away, his purple gloves balled into fists.

 _Villain._

Coughing roughly the metallic taste of blood that filled his mouth had him pushing to his knees and spitting the offensive substance away, arm clutching his broken ribs. Using his free hand and fighting against the darkness in the corners of his eyes he rubbed the blood from his head away from his eyes, almost falling. Taking a sharp- and what he was sure would be his final- breath he forced himself onto his knees and reached into his utility belt, searching for his Bat-Tracer gun, hearing a car engine startup. With the lack of balance and sharp movements, he soon fell to the ground, reaching out desperately, the firing gun held weakly in his outstretched hand. With a shaking grip and swaying aim, he fought for strength, willing himself to pull the trigger. The shot was silent, the tracker shooting out and sticking to the back of a car, which was driving out of sight, but the forced jerked his wrist back.

 _Circus boy._

Laying in the dirt with dust, sweat, and blood matted in his hair, the touch of the man in the purple suit still lingered.

* * *

Alone in a painfully white room with the feeling of drowning clogging one's thoughts and a lack of breathing being done was a terrible way to wake up and had Dick bolting upright and gasping for breath. Hunching over and slamming his fist against his chest as he coughed he wasn't surprised to see blood against the no-longer completely white hospital-like bedsheets in front of him and the taste the same metallic substance his mouth. Feeling a rush of fever had Dick kicking away the thin blanket and resisted the urge to vomit.

After carefully pulling the IV from his arm and sliding a hand across his face to make sure that his mask was still in place- it was- he was in the process of getting up when the door to the room opened and Batman entered, his lips pressed into a thin line. The man paused only to check on his son, throw the blanket over his shoulders, and turn the light off before he left the room, closing the door behind him, leaving Dick with nothing other than the lingering order of "Sleep."

There was work to be done, after all, one couldn't stop to fret when two murders were on the lose. Dick knew this, he also knew that Bruce would return as soon as he could and stress over him until the acrobat recovered.

* * *

Now left in the dark room Dick shrugged the blanket off and raised a dirt-matted bloody hand to his throat, his eyes searching the room for a glass water. Thanks to whatever higher power were responsible, whether it be luck or the Egyptian gods, there was a clear glass of water on the table across from him... on the other side of the room.

After staring at the unmoving glass for a full minute Dick threw his weak legs over the edge of his uncomfortable and temporary bed, pausing only to steady himself before he took the first of few reckless steps.

He had made the progress of an unimpressive five steps before his legs gave out, only inches from the glass of water. He would have crashed to the cold and hard floor had it not been for the strong arms that had suddenly appeared and caught him.

Looking up into Conner's disapproving eyes Dick gave no more than a cheeky smile and a wave, he opened his mouth to speak but was cut off when Conner suddenly pulled him to his feet, carrying him across the room and carefully dropping him off back on his bed, turning and grabbing the water, which Dick chugged most of the second it was in his hands, despite the fact that he intended to take only a sip. Conner waited for him to finish patiently. Dick set the nearly empty glass aside and looked to Conner expectedly.

"Kaldur wanted me to tell you that the league has gone after Scarecrow and Joker." The super said, he was most likely the least beat up of Dick's teammates, physically at least, so it was likely that he was the only member of they're team who was already back on their feet.

Dick looked back at the blurred thoughts of the battle a mystery amount of time ago and remembered Conner being dosed with fear gas, along with Dick himself.

"Thanks, SB," Dick replied, giving Conner a grin and said nothing as Conner adjusted the blanket so it fit over his shoulders again.

Dick watched as the powerhouse of they're team walked away and couldn't help but wonder what he had seen well the fear gas had a hold over him.

* * *

 _D: Why do people keep trying to put a blanket on me?_

Dick lowered his phone as Black Canary re-entered the room and slipped an Advil into his grip.

Both Red Tornado and Black Canary had given him a checkup, dealt with internal bleeding, checked that the fear gas was out of his system, and what not, Dick had been entirely too dizzy and distracted by the blanket that continued to land on his shoulders to pay his full attention to their words at the time.

His phoned dinged.

 _W: Because you're in shock_

Wally's text was incredibly accurate considering the fact that the speedster knew little of the birds actually bill of health and Dick gave him the benefit of the doubt, typing with shaking hands,  
 _  
D: That doesn't mean I need a fucking blanket!_

Pressing the send button and setting his phone off to the side Dick wasn't surprised nor shocked to find the speedster suddenly in front of him, in fact, the breeze that came with it was refreshing.

Wally had a bandage wound around his head and most likely more around his chest but that was the most Dick could see of the gingers injuries and he made a mental note to search the speedster later.

"What's up dude?" Wally said as a greeting, Dick looked him dead in the eyes and blue ones met green

"The ceiling."

"I hate you."

"Love you too."

The words slipped past on instinct, the universal sarcastic reply to any negative remark, but, for some reason, a silence hung in the air after Dick said them.

Dick cleared his throat awkwardly, sitting on the edge of the bed carelessly, forgetting his three broken ribs and getting a blast of pain for it, doubling over and fighting to catch his breath.

"Hey, are you alright?" Wally's voice was laced with concern and he was suddenly much closer, kneeling on the ground in front of Dick, one hand on the birds knee and other on his cheek, making the younger look at him.

Feeling the heat rise to his cheeks, his eyes flickering to Wally's lisp for a mere second, Dick nodded, not trusting his voice to remain steady, and avoid eye contact with the speedster.

"Hey. Look at me." Wally pressed, so close that Dick could feel his warm breath against his lips, and when Dick locked eyes with him the speedster only leaned closer.

Their lips were only millimetres apart when there was a knock on the door.

"Hey, kid." Roy's voice was muffled thanks to the barrier of a door separating them but it was clearly him.

Dick looked past Wally to stare at the closed door and cleared his throat nervously,

"One second!" He called back, looking back to Wally and fighting to get rid of the bright red blush he just knew was painting his cheeks he swallowed thickly, waiting for Wally to make the next move.

Seconds ticked by before Wally slowly stood, running a hand through his messy red hair before he turned and opened the door, grinning at Roy.

Roy took a step into the cold medical room of Mount Justice and gave the two a suspicious look, narrowing his eyes at Dick and Wally's matching blushes before he relaxed, a knowing smile playing on his lips as he held up a box,

"I brought pizza!"


	11. Chapter 11

D: What are you?!

W: A idiotsandwich

* * *

W: Why aren't you wearing a shirt?

D: Cause it's hot

W: It snowed yesterday

* * *

: You follow Satan on twitter?

D: You don't?

D: Assassination: a nation that is sassy

W: No-

* * *

W: My heart says yes but my bank balance says no

D: Do you even have a bank balance?

* * *

D: There are seven wonders of the world and I am three of them

* * *

W: American but Amerishouldn't

D: The election is ALL READY OVER

* * *

D: I swear to god Italy is the cutest thing

W: What are you talking about?

D: At least Germany agrees with me

* * *

W: I guess there are some problems that can be solved with the power of fashion

D: You're damn right- now shut up and work that runway

* * *

D: I am here with the stunningly beautiful...

D: Myself

* * *

W: FACT: Adding '3000' to anything make it 200 times cooler

D: Wally3000

W: ...

D: Hm, nothing changed

* * *

D: I am putting a ribbon in my hair to raise awareness of me looking so cute

* * *

D: Stop being so defensive I am just trying to hit you with weapons

* * *

W: A baby's laughter is one of the most best sounds you will ever hear.

W: Unless it's 3AM

W: And your alone

W: And you don't have a baby

* * *

D: I'm at that age where I only have one thing on my mind

W: Guys?

D: Homicide

* * *

W: Lets play a game called you bring me food and I eat it

* * *

D: I once killed a man in his sleep with his own mustache and a grape

* * *

W: Last night I had a dream where scientists used a really bad picture of me to prove that humans are closely related to goats and I was so insulted when I woke up

D: Have you watched the news lately?

W: No, why?

D: No reason

* * *

D: I'm cute as hell, which is incidentally where I came from

* * *

W: I may act like I'm tough but if your mean to me there is a 900% chance I will cry

* * *

D: If I ever got the power to turn invisible the first thing I would do is go to France and beat up a mime

W: They would think he was the best performer of all time

D: And I would get to beat up a mime

* * *

W: My 9 year old cousin got a bad burn on her hand and as she was crying she placed her hands over my heart and goes "ahhh, so nice and cold."

D: I want to meet this child

D: Now

* * *

D: My eyebrows are the source of all my power

W: I thought that was your ass?

D: No, my ass is the source of all the power

* * *

D: I'm not a bitch I'm the bitch

* * *

W: Who needs April fools when your entire life is a joke

* * *

D: Puppies are touchable happiness

W: Someone needs to get you a dog

* * *

W: Dick?

D: What?

W: Where's my uniform?

D: What?

W: Where. Is. My. Uniform?!

D: I put it away

W:WHERE?

D: Why do you need to know?

W: I need it!

D: Uh-uh! Don't you think about running off and doing stupid shit with James and Hartley! We've been planning this dinner for two-weeks!

W: The city is in danger!

D: My evenings in danger!

W: You tell me where my uniform is, Dick! We are talking about the greater good!

D: "Greater good'?! I am your best friend! I'm the greatest GOOD your ever gunna get!

* * *

D: Do re mi fa so done with you

W: Did you just tell me off through a musical scale?

* * *

\- Special guest apparence from Roy -

W: What has four letters and is hard

R: Rock

D: Dick

R: Math

D: Life

W: That got real deep real fast

* * *

D: Isn't it weird that we pay money to see other humans?

W: Are you talking airplane tickets, prostitution, or the movies?

D: Glasses

* * *

W: 6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9 but why did 7 eat 9?

D: Because your supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day

* * *

D: If I make you breakfast in bed a smile and "thank you" will suffice, none of this "How did you get in my house?" Stuff. So rude.

* * *

W: Do you feel guilty?

W: Like- at all?

D: I don't have time to and neither do you

* * *

D: I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong

* * *

W: Where is death when you need it?

D: On vacation

D: Lazy bitch

* * *

D: Anything that requires more than 6% effort

D: Dickie ain't gunna do it

* * *

W: We have five people trying to kill us right now, what are we supposed to do?!

D: Actually it's more like eight

W: Oh, sorry I wasn't specific enough!

* * *

D: Want to see what kind of trouble we can get into?

W: Oh god, we're going to die aren't we?

D: It's a Tuesday, I know how to restrain myself

W: You absolutely do not

* * *

W: Your forgot me

D: It was an accident

* * *

D: Hey, I didn't kill anyone today!

W: What do you want, a gold star?

D: What? No, of course not

D: I want a victim

* * *

W: Why are you so much better at drinking than I am?

D: Lets be real, I'm better than you at everything

W: You have a point

* * *

D: Oh, look at all the pretties!

W: Can you please stop talking about assault rifles the same way you talk about kittens?

* * *

W: I'm getting really tired of watching you get thrown off of high places

D: How do you think I feel?!

* * *

D: You know, no one bothered me this much when I was dead

* * *

W: You-you are-

D: Beautiful, a genius, immensely talented-

W: Dangerous

* * *

D: I am either going out for ice cream or to commit another felony

D: I'll decide in the car

* * *

W: I never stood a chance did I?

D: That's the sad part, you did- _once_


	12. Chapter 12

D: I swear you could trip on your own shadow  
W: My shadow is a tricky little bastard that likes to see me fall to his level

* * *

D: Oh my god, I had the exact same dream!  
W: Really?  
D: No, of course, not

* * *

W: Can you think of anyone but yourself?  
D: I can but I chose not to

* * *

D: You know, I am so romantic  
D: Sometimes I think I should just marry myself

* * *

W: Red? Why red?  
D: Legend says that red calms the beast down enough for you to sneak by  
W: But that's only legend, it could also make us stand out so the thing can kill us faster  
D: Well, red's also my favourite colour so there

* * *

D: This is a nice change of scenery  
W: It's a prison cell  
D: I was being sarcastic

* * *

W: Did you just throw a rock at me?

* * *

D: I believe the word you're looking for is "Aaahhhh!"

* * *

D: Do it for the Vine!  
W: Vine is dead  
D: Say that again and so will you be

* * *

D: In _Scooby Doo_ , secret tunnels are always behind bookshelves and shit  
W: Can we not base our choices on what happens in episodes of _Scooby Doo,_ damnit!?

* * *

W: Which way did they go?  
D: Well, based on the direction of the wind, the broken sticks in the corner, and the slight disturbance in the dirt, I'd guess they went left  
W: Could you really figure it out from all that?  
D: Yes, but no, you idiot  
D: They sent me a text

* * *

D: That didn't end the way I expected, but at least nobody important died

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Bruce -

D: Technically it wasn't on fire  
B: You completely blew it up

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: I am an adult okay?!  
R: Just last week I bought a vegetable  
W: To throw at the police  
D: And then you called us to bail you out of jail  
W: Because you spent your bail money for the month on a vegetable

* * *

W: Do you even know how to drive this thing?!  
D: Normally, I'd lie and say yes, but considering the fact that I almost flew us into that building, I'm going to say we both know the answer

* * *

D: I would tell you to be yourself but that almost got us killed last time

* * *

W: Is that blood?  
D: No?  
W: That's not a question your supposed to answer with another question

* * *

D: I have been _waiting_ for this like you would _not believe_  
D: Okay, here's what we're going to do;  
D: First, We need to kidnap Ryan Reynolds and Andrew Garfield-  
W: Wait

* * *

D: I have a army  
W: We have a hulk  
D: I got a jar of dirt  
W: I've got a dream!  
D: I have 80 million dollars  
W: I have dragons  
D: I have magic

* * *

W: America is just all the people Europe didn't like  
D: I guess you could say they were All American Rejects

* * *

D: Why am I handcuffed to the roof?  
W: Don't understate it like that  
W: It took 8 of us to get those cuffs on you

* * *

W: How's your vacation?  
W: Remember your manors, kay?  
W: Like 'thank you', 'have a good day", and "screw off bitch"

* * *

W: Hey  
D: Can't talk, I'm about to french braid Barbara's hair

* * *

D: The first person who heard a parrot talk was probably never the same

* * *

W: So, you started drunk-talking to me in French last night  
W: Little weird  
W: Lotta sexy

* * *

D: Apparently 'spite' is the wrong answer to 'what motivates you?'

* * *

W: That was an excessively violent game of Monopoly  
D: What did you expect?  
W: I don't know but burying a body wasn't on the list

* * *

W: Any idea why all the cookies keep going missing?  
D: It was a thife  
W:Thief?  
D: No

* * *

W: The fuck was that noise  
D: Don't open that door  
W: I'm going in  
W: ...  
W: WHAT THE HELL DICK  
D: WOULD YOU CALM DOWN TILL I GET BACK

* * *

D: Why wouldn't you tell me I was on speaker phone

* * *

W: What did you do?!  
D: My best

* * *

D: Why dose Artemis keep looking at me weird?  
W: I told her that you were in love with Dick Grayson  
D: I am

* * *

W: You've been MIA for two days and I can't tell if your just ignoring me or if I should prepare for your hostile take over of the world

* * *

D: I just had the weirdest dream  
W: What?  
D: Well, we were in love and you disappeared for three years, I teamed up with Slade and became a villain, then you came back but I was evil so that was awkward, and then something happened to Roy and Barry and everyone blamed me, then you got stuck in a time-loop and we both went insane and then you killed me and-  
W: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT  
D: I don't know  
D: I can't remember how it ended

* * *

W: I think Roy knows we're sleeping together  
D: Psh, no way  
D: We're way to stealthy for him to figure it out  
W: He can never know about my fear of couches

* * *

D: Tim brought home a crab

* * *

W: Wanna come over?  
D: Can't, I'm a little tied up at the moment  
W: Are you okay?  
D: No  
D: I'm trying to help them  
D: But Penguin and Riddler are denser than steel

* * *

D: I was the worlds nicest guy! They ruined my life for no reason!

* * *

W: The kid next to me asked who I was texting and I panicked and said "Luigi"

* * *

D: Let it go!  
W: Let it go!  
D: Can't hold it back anymore!

* * *

D: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?

* * *

D: Operation Snaibsel is a go!  
W: Phase one commence!

* * *

W: I can't believe I let you talk me into body shots  
D: Would you shut up and lick this salt off me?!


	13. Chapter 13

D: Dude  
D: Like  
D: Dragons are mentioned in almost all cultures all across the world even before they had interaction with each other and your telling me they don't exist

* * *

D: Pay up  
W: What?  
D: You'd be dead without me right? I guess that means you owe me  
W: Okay

* * *

W: This is not good  
D: How can you tell?  
W: See how they're slowly surrounding us? And they all have guns and knives and I think that one guy has a machete?

* * *

D: Jason just yelled "I SWEAR ILL CUT OFF YOUR DICK IF YOU FUCKING TOUCH MY BREAD" and I came into the kitchen like 'what the fuck' and Jason was holding a shoe and my cat sitting by a loaf of bread with his paw almost touching it and both of them didn't even break eye contact  
D: I'm so done

* * *

W: Dude we are not asking the dragon for directions

* * *

D: You gotta stop doing that  
W: What?  
D: Saying things that make me want to kiss you

* * *

W: Quick! Catch that cat! It stole my wallet!  
D: On it

* * *

D: What are you doing?  
W: ...Eating  
D: We're being held hostage and you decided to raid the kitchen?  
W: Says the guy currently watching their television

* * *

W: I can't believe I'm sitting in a space jail with you of all people  
D:You're surprised?

* * *

D: Sure it is. Look it up  
W: Dude, you don't look up the shit you _know_.

* * *

W: Why exactly do you need chloroform at 2AM?  
W: I mean, I'm on it, but why?

* * *

D: Sometimes I don't feel like getting out of bed  
D: Then I remember I have people to piss off and prove wrong today

* * *

D: Who wouldn't be angry if you ate all my cereal?!

* * *

W: I feel like I got hit by a car  
D: You did  
D It was my car

* * *

D: I may have accidentally adopted four cats  
W: What kind of cats?  
D: Tigers

* * *

W: So, why did I have to punch that guy?  
D: He hit on Megan  
W: ...  
W: I'm going to go punch him again

* * *

D: I'm like, 74% sure this won't explode

* * *

W: So what if I broke my arm? I'm doing it anyways

* * *

D: I was walking home and I passed a chruch that had one of those letter sign things and it said 'Worship' but I read it as 'Hip Words' and I almost walked into a tree

* * *

W: I want to go home  
D: And I want to go to the moon but that's not happening for another three weeks sweetheart  
D: Time to accept it

* * *

D: I was crossing the street and not paying attention and a car had to stop and they honked at me and I turned to give the middle finger but I noticed it was Bruce and he pulled up really slow and rolled down the window and said "get in" so now I'm sitting in the back of the Ferrari and I'm positive he knows  
W: Knows what?  
D: He _knows_

* * *

W: Really? This episode? Again?  
D: I don't care what you say, Gordon Ramsay is a god amongst men

* * *

D: Hey, R  
W: R?  
D: Oops  
W: Who's R?

* * *

W: So-  
W: You play piano in your sleep  
W: Good to know

* * *

D: Wally  
W: Yes babe?  
D: We're friends, so I've held off killing you for this long  
D: But I swear to god, if you do not fix your hoodie strings I will strangle you with them

* * *

W: And then she told me that the only one who couldn't see it was me, like, What dose that even mean?!  
D: No idea. Hold on  
W: ...?  
D: Sorry, two story jump  
W: Are you on patrol?!

* * *

D: Why are all these people here?  
D: There's too many people on this earth  
D: We need a new plague

* * *

W: Hey, are you alright man? You haven't said a word all day  
D: ...  
D: Canadians are just British people with maple syrup in they're tea

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Bruce -

D: Before you say no-  
B: No.  
D: But you haven't heard it yet  
B: I'm sticking with no.

* * *

W: Hey, what's up with you man? You've got this weird look and keep mumbling about Talons... and your being _really_ handsy  
W: And who is Owlman?  
D: What do you mean? You're the one who says your name is Lighting and is being all evil-y

* * *

D: You can't call yourselves a squad until you've designed and executed a elaborate plan to break a fisherman out of a government facility  
W: Where are you and who are you with

* * *

W: Hey, where have you been?  
D: R-birds busy, he told me to tell you it's Harley!  
W: Alright then, What's up Harley?  
D: Mr. J is waiting for the bat so we can teach that jerk-face a lesson!  
W: You go girl!

* * *

D: Please put me down, it's just a sprained ankle

* * *

W: What are your weaknesses?  
D: I don't have any, asshole

* * *

W: Stop petting the test subjects  
D: But they're so soft!

* * *

D: That bitch better have my money  
W: Relax man, she'll have your money  
W: You take bets to seriously  
D: You can never take it to seriously

* * *

W: Since when do you smoke?  
D: I don't, it's part of the disguise  
D: Now shut up and do your part of the mission

* * *

D: Why do I have a stop sign in my bedroom?

* * *

W: Me. You. A bottle of vodka. My place. Now.  
D: Rough day?  
W: Tell you later. You're taking too long. I'm coming to get you.

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Nightingale (= N) and Lighting (= L) -

N: Yes, but how do I know your sleeping with me for my skills and not my international crime empire.  
L: Because your international crime empire is what you do, not who you are.  
N: That's so sweet I might just stab someone.  
L: Make it a date?  
N: Only if we meet in your room after.  
L: Deal.


	14. Chapter 14

D: Did you feel that?  
W: Feel what?  
D: It felt like...  
D: The disapproval of a parental figure

* * *

W: Did you just use mob mentality on me?

* * *

D: Your so stupid you'd forget to die even if you got killed

* * *

W: Hey, bro, what do you want to eat?  
D: The souls of the innocent!  
W: A bagel  
D: NO  
W: Two bagels

* * *

D: Hey, betcha I can hit this note

* * *

W: Calm down man  
D: Hands. Off. The. Cereal

* * *

D: Hey  
D: Wanna help me stuff my mattress with marshmallows  
W: You had me at 'hey'

* * *

W: So, how do I look?  
D: Same as usal  
W: AND WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!  
D: YOU DONT OWN ANY OTHER CLOTHES  
D: YOU DONT EVEN WASH THOSE

* * *

D: Oh my god  
W: What is it?!  
D: I left my cookies in the oven  
W: You left your cookies in the oven?!  
D: I left my cookies in the oven!

* * *

W: You summoned the devil  
D: Bitch I am the devil

* * *

D: There's something on your face  
D: It was pain!

* * *

W: Bro, eat a snickers  
D: Why?  
W: Cause you turn into a fucking deva when you're hungry

* * *

D: TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHERFUCKER

* * *

W:Did we really just drop from the shadows of the ceiling and say that?  
D: Yes  
D: And it was amazing

* * *

D: So, I was going to make a joke about sunglasses in Gotham but then I realized wE DONT FUCKING SELL THEM

* * *

W: Have you been spying on me?  
D: Yeah, but I'm not a spy  
W: You know what they call people who spy on people?  
W: Spies  
D: Good point, but look, I'm not a spy

* * *

D: HE ACTUALLY USED HIS HEAD

* * *

W: RELAX TOMATO  
D: SHUT THE FUCK UP ZUCCHINI

* * *

D: On my planet this is hilarious

* * *

W: You Like waffles right?  
D: More than life its self

* * *

D: Now I just feel bad for you

* * *

W: If you were an office supply what would you be?!  
D: I would be paper because people use me then throw me away  
W: Descriptive!

* * *

D: Am I the only person here who loves to watch a couple together that hates each other's guts?

* * *

W: I said "All you need is some friendship in your life" and she said "bitch where" and I said "bitch me"

* * *

D: You know what this place needs?  
W: What?  
D: More sand  
W: _More_ sand? We're surrounded by sand!  
D: Not that much! Just like, two cubic tons  
W: Two cubic tons?!  
W: You have any idea how much two cubic tons is?!  
D: Yeah, and that's how much we need

* * *

W: Who the fuck are you?  
D: Who the fuck are you?  
W: I asked you first  
D: I asked you second

* * *

D: WE'RE BUILDING A FUCKING SNOWMAN

* * *

W: You and me are just two straight guys that really like each other  
D: Yeah, it's like we're each other's guy bae's  
W: We're Gae's

* * *

D: I have no friends  
W: Bitch, what am I? A roach?

* * *

W: Don't like, fail and die and stuff cause it's all up to you!

* * *

D: Nothing can go wrong!  
D: Oh no, it all went wrong!

* * *

W: There's a bug  
D: So what you want me to do?!  
W: Kill it!  
D: You saw it first! You kill it!  
W: Your the man!  
D: Since when?!

* * *

D: My teeth are brighter than your future

* * *

W: I hope Pikachu hits you with a fucking thunderbolt

* * *

D: Oh my god, do you hear that?  
D: It's you finally being quiet!

* * *

W: Artemis asked me how many women I've slept with and when I told her she said 'me too' and then walked away  
D: How many women have you slept with?  
W: Meet me in my room and I'll tell you

* * *

D: Can you just fucking like me already?  
D: I'm nice, I'm pretty, I have beautiful eyebrows

* * *

W: IM TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE ASSHOLE

* * *

D: What's one of your biggest fears?  
W: If I ever, like, woke up as a donut-  
D: You would eat yourself  
W: I wouldn't even question it

* * *

W: What the fuck Richard

* * *

D: GREAT GOOGALY MOGGALY ITS ALL GONE TO SHIT

* * *

W: You wanna know what this shirt is made out of?  
D: It's probably cotton  
W: No, it's made of boyfriend material  
D: I'm pretty sure it's cotton

* * *

D: I've got a little secret for ya'  
D: Come here  
D: No, closer  
D: I DONT MAKE DEALS WITH PEASANTS

* * *

W: Is it too late to say sorry?

* * *

D: I mean, I don't even know why you guys bother at this point  
D: Like, keep it up, it's _me_ , I _win_ , you _lose,_ haha

* * *

W: Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you very _very_ muuuch

* * *

D: Shut up and drive!

* * *

W: Did I just see you and Cheshire do a secret handshake?

* * *

D: Surprise motherfucker

* * *

W: I'm 99.6% sure that your defying gravity right now

* * *

D: My gran could do better! And she's dead!

* * *

W: This is like Clue all over again  
D: Shut up Mr. Ginger  
W: Fuck off Mr. Raven

* * *

D: Wake me up September ends

* * *

W: Why is there a fist-shaped hole in the training room wall?  
D: Aliens

* * *

D: You're getting your knickers in a twist! Calm down!  
W: Oh my gosh, enough already!  
D: How about a thank you, you miserable wee bitch

* * *

W: I survived bitch

* * *

D: How long do you think Jade and Artemis are going to pretend they aren't sisters?  
W: Not a clue, I'm sure we'll have some big secret telling party one of these days  
D: Not much of a party since we definitely don't have a secret, right?  
W: Definitely

* * *

W: LIES  
W: WELL FORGED LIES

* * *

D: So, don't freak out, but I think Klarion turned me I to a vampire  
W: I would love to freak out but I'm pretty sure he turned me into a witch

* * *

W: Did you just pull a Batman on me, _again_?

* * *

D: I should let your ass burn for this

* * *

W: You're as cold as ice  
D: I think you mean as cool as ice  
W: I know what I said  
D: Well Why don't you come say it to my face  
W: Maybe i will!  
D: Good!  
W: Is the window unlocked?!  
D: Yes!  
W: Good!  
D: Good!

* * *

D: Nothing suits me like a suit  
W: Mmm, yeah...

* * *

W: I don't wanna go to school  
D: Brake the rules with me?  
W: Meet you in Jump

* * *

D: When I get sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead  
D: True story

* * *

W: Whenever we hang out without you, we talk about who's best friends with the craziest bitch  
W: I always win

* * *

D: So, have you heard about season 3?  
W: Yeah, took them long enough

* * *

W: Friendly fire? You got into a gunfight?  
D: Not exactly  
W: Then how did he get hit with friendly fire?  
D: His throat ran into my knife

* * *

D: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life than just being really really really really really good looking?  
D: I didn't think so


	15. Chapter 15

**Warning(s): Underage drinking**

 _\- From chapter 12 -_

 _W: So, you started drunk-talking to me in French last night_

 _W: Little weird_

 _W: Lotta sexy_

* * *

Roy made a show of presenting the liquor to the team, holding four separate bottles and flashing them a convincing grin. Robin gave a lopsided smile, never one to protest fun, and made quick work of looping the security footage, abandoning the controller for whatever game he had been playing with Wally on the television. Roy took his actions as a victory. No less than three minutes ago Roy had stumbled into the cave with a collection of alcohol and a mission, yelling at the computerized voice, despite the fact that his name had been announced as 'Red Arrow'.

Roy's eyes were slightly red and his face was flushed, showing that he already had a buzz and clear thinking had checked out, but that wasn't uncommon in Roy even when he was sober. His hair was unkempt and it looked like he hadn't shaved that day.

"Come on guys!" His voice was slightly slurred and with Kaldur gone there was no one to definitively say no. It only took a moment before Roy was welcomed into the living room-like space, shuffling over his own feet and dropping to the ground next to Robin, who insisted on sitting half in Wally's lap.

Artemis disappeared into the kitchen to retrieve the well-hidden shot glasses that they kept at the cave. Opening a cupboard and standing on her tippy-toes and stretching to reach the top counter, she set her hand on an invisible scanner and watched with satisfaction as the back of the cupboard slide away revealing a mismatched collection of alcohol and cups. When she returned she set each one on the table in a row, a small slam from each one was it struck the glass coffee table. Artemis gave a wave, as if on stage, and stole the fullest bottle from Roy's collection. She threw it once, spinning it in the air and catching it again for virtually no reason, before spinning the cap off and, with unmatchable skill, tipping the bottle and dragging it across the trial of shot glasses she had made, filling each one to a similar height. She bowed in an over-the-top fashion, managing to hit Wally in the process, and was rewarded with a loud round of applause from every pair of hands in the room.

Conner stood silently, blue eyes grazing over the others, and disappeared down the hallway, Wolf trailing behind him. The Kryptonian was invincible to the effects of alcohol- which didn't stop him from accepting every drinking challenge ever presented to him- and he was either not in the mood or didn't feel like watching Wally and Robin drunk-flirt. Megan watched him, her eyes flashing as she spoke into their always-open link. She reached for the closest glass, bringing it to her lips and tipping her head back with taught skill. Wally's eyes followed her movements as she set the glass back down and rushed in the same direction as Conner, ignoring the childish 'oooh''s that followed her.

Wally yelped as Robin's elbow dug into his side. He straightened up and gave the ninja an innocent smile, rubbing the back of his neck, and spinning to look over his shoulder as Robin's eyes looked passed him. The redhead glared at Artemis as she sat, a level over him since he had been kicked off the couch- hours ago- and had yet to move from the floor. He made no moves to grab a drink.

Wally knew one thing, a drunk Dick was a fun Dick... Most of the time, meaning Wally had full intentions of staying sober.

Artemis returned his look and the two did nothing but glare at each other as Dick and Roy quietly drank and made fun of them.

"I bet they'll end up together," Roy said in what would have been a hushed tone if not for the fact that he had said it at a normal volume in a quiet room.

"Nah, he'd totally pick me over her," Robin said bluntly, and he wasn't even drunk yet.

Hearing the would-be-hushed conversation Wally's eyes widened and he reached for a shot, swallowing past the bite of the drink and setting the glass back in front of him where he could easily refill it.

"Prove it."

Wally reached for another shot.

Roy's words rung out so slurred Wally nearly missed the short sentence entirely, his breath catching as he choked on the alcohol in his throat, coughing in an ugly show of shock. Robin gave Roy a level look, drinking his fourth, fifth, and sixth shot in a fast session that Wally just knew equalled trouble. Last time this happened he ended up in a lake.

Robin pushed his knees off the cold floor and stood on swaying feet, fueled by liquid stupidity. Wally craned his neck and watched as Robin stood from his lap and stood it in front of the archer, who had two now empty glasses that weren't there before Roy's declaration.

Robin gave her a look and barely towered over the still-sitting blond. Artemis, never one to back down from a challenge, read his look with ease and leaned forward to grab two separate glasses, handing one to Robin and claiming the other for herself.

The clink of their glasses spelt Wally's doom.

* * *

The light faded from the telephone booth as the Zetatube powered down, leaving the two drunken boys in the golden shadow of Central city's fading sunlight, one of them shushing the computerized voice. After abandoning the dead-end alleyway the boys stumbled out into the darkening streets, clinging to each other for support and only managing to drag each other down more.

Making it to the Allen-West household took longer than it would have if both boys were sober, calm, and aware of where they were going before Dick was rapping his knuckles on the red door and Wally was digging in a potted plant looking for the spare key.

"AUNT IRIS" Dick called, standing on his tippy toes and closing one eye to peek inside the glass window of the door, oblivious to the dirty looks from neighbours and onlookers.

"AHHA!" Wally yelled suddenly, holding the spare key in his hand and standing up so fast that when Dick spun to look at him he crashed into himself. The bird would have landed roughly on the front porch if not for Wally, the speedster rushed to catch his ninja and the two ended up in what Wally could only see as a dip.

" _Merci_ " the bird purred, clearly enjoying the sudden contact, as one hand raised to loop around the speedster's neck well the other adjusted Wally's grip until the redheads' hands were slightly lower than the centre of Dick's back before his free hand joined the other at Wally's neck.

" _Prier_ " Wally slurred with a bad accent, using the little French he remembered from ninth grade. Dick chuckled, recognize Wally's bad french even in his drunken state, and pulled himself closer to the speedster.

Wally pulled Dick up and out of the dip-like position, despite the fact that the bird seemed perfectly comfortable. One hand slipped from around Dick's waist and pulling Dick's left hand from around his neck Wally laced their hands. They spun in sloppy circles on the front porch in what could have been a waltz. Even as the air temperature dropped the space around them remained warm, fighting off the cold around them.

Suddenly, Dick broke off, stumbling away from Wally and towards the door with the key in his hands. It took him four tries before he was able to get the key in the lock, turning the doorknob and shrugging his full weight onto the door, tripping through the doorway.

Giggling to himself Dick turned back towards Wally, who looked extremely lost at Dick's abandonment of their dance, and reached out for him, opening and closing his hand until Wally took it. Dick tugged on Wally's arm roughly, the chill from outside finally getting to him. Wally stumbled into the house, nearly hitting his shoulder off the doorframe, and closed the distance between them, kicking off his shoes and waiting for Dick to mimic him before committing to the touch.

" _Je veux que tu m'embrasses_ " Dick mumbled into the air between them, looping his arms around Wally's waist with drunken movements.

Wally, whose buzz was wearing off thanks to his metabolism, blinked at him, the words falling on his ears as unknown jibberish. Ignoring the way Dick's touch burned his skin and his growing sober state Wally moved for the kitchen, pulling Dick behind him.

" _Où allons-nous?_ " He heard Dick ask. Wally ignored him as he felt along the wrong wall for the light switch that hadn't moved in the four years he'd lived in the house before giving up and stepping through the archway and onto the tiled floor.

Dick squeaked with all the dignity of a mouse as the cold floor chilled him from his toes up and Wally nearly fainted. After taking deep breaths of stale air, Wally continued in the darkness of the room, leaving Dick to sit on one of the high stools that paired with the island in the middle of the room. Wally reached for the cabinets, debating whether he should grab a glass for each of them, but after stealing a look at Dick he realized the fifteen-year-old wouldn't be sobering up for a few hours, no matter how much water he drank.

Wally set his hands on the sides of the kitchen sink and hung his head, willing the growing headache away. He didn't speak until he had drowned his third glass of water and got his heart rate under control, only for his mindfulness to fly out the window as he felt Dick at his back. He could feel Dick's chin as he pressed it against the speedsters shoulder blades, his thin but strong arms winding around Wally's waist and hooking his fingers around his belt loops, pushing up against the speedster.

" _J'ai froid!_ " He heard the birds muffled voice and he could _feel_ the pout in his voice. Despite Wally's foggy thinking- which was _totally_ the alcohol- he understood Dick's simple sentence and was suddenly aware of how cold the room seemed.

"Me too," He mumbled, turning around in Dick's grip, hoping to recover from the way the touch short-circuited his brain. He only managed to make it worse as he was suddenly the victim of Dick's exposed, and slightly red, eyes. With sudden exhaustion and a semi-functional thought process Wally reached down and took Dick's wrists in his hands, pulling them up to his chest.

"Let's go to bed, alright?" He said slowly, making sure that Dick could still understand him- and he really hoped the bird could because he had _no idea_ how to say that in French-. Dick nodded, his eyes slipping shut- somehow Wally was grateful they weren't staring at him anymore and missing them at the same time- as if he would sleep where he was standing. Dick sagged in Wally's lazy grip, forcing the speedster to catch him for a second time that night, and snored softly because apparently bats can _sleep on command_ now. Go figure.

Gathering Dick in his arms in an unsteady bridal style Wally scowled, Dick was light, _too_ light. The scowl not leaving his lips Wally made his way back to the living room, leaving Dick's mask of the island where he had abandoned it. Turning through the door frame and stumbling into the living room Wally made his way to the couch, pausing halfway and staring at the open front door, stars shining in the night sky. With a sigh Wally readjusted Dick in his arms and crossed the room, using his entire body to maneuver the door shut.

Wally leaned against the door for only a second, his head pounding and Dick shifting in his arms, then he was across the room and sitting on the couch with Dick in his lap. He pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and shifted until he was lying across the length of the couch, Dick pressed flush against him. To avoid falling off the couch, _obviously_.

Throwing the blanket over their forms Wally laid back and finally- _finally_ \- let his eyes slip shut, listening to Dick's steady breathing until he fell asleep with the ninja in his arms.

* * *

When Wally woke up it was past noon, alone, and with a dim headache.

Stretching through a yawn and reaching up to press the palms of his hands into his eyes he paused, patting his forehead for a few seconds before pulling his hands back with a sticky note in them. Wally had to read Dick's somehow perfect calligraphythree times before his tired mind could manage to label it as a brief apology and an explanation of 'Ivy started stirring up trouble.' _Tch, more like invited you out for poker_ , Wally tisked, rolling the note in his hands until it was a ball of paper and blue ink before abandoning it on the coffee table. Wally didn't bother re-folding the blanket and headed for the kitchen, nearly tripping over his own shoes, which he had apparently decided to leave in the middle of the room.

He didn't think to check his phone until he was sitting at the island with his fourth bowl of cereal, and had to pat himself down twice before pulling the device from his back pocket.

He had the typical sarcastic ' _good morning sunshine_ ' from Roy, along with a dark-tinted photo of him and Dick asleep on the couch from his aunt that made his cheeks burn red, but no messages from Dick and he ignored the tinge of pain that clawed at his heart. He typed quickly, having to re-type the word 'weird' before he could spell it right;

 _W: So, you started drunk-talking to me in French last night_

 _W: Little weird_

 _W: Lotta sexy_

He waited a few seconds for a response and when it didn't come he rolled his eyes and returned to his breakfast, ignoring the way his eyes drifted to his phone between every bite.

When his phone did ding with the unique ringtone that he had set for Dick, it was a bad pick up line about how many other languages the bird could speak to him in the dark of night and Wally didn't hide the grin that played on his lips for the rest of day.

Even when Dick sent him a picture of a pile of cash, obviously won in a poker game.


	16. Chapter 16

W: The snow is glittery

D: We're all gingerbread men waiting to become part of someone else's snack

* * *

D: Oh my me, I have a god complex!

* * *

W: Are you reading a manga?

D: It's okay, it's a gay manga

* * *

D: I have a question

W: Shoot

W: DID YOU JUST FIRE A GUN

* * *

W: You are _such_ a Slytherin _all_ of the time

D: I'll make my real friends, us cunning folk use any means, to achieve our ends.

D: In other words: shut the fuck up Gryffindor

* * *

D: There comes a time in every mans life when he has to admit to himself that he's become the leader of the biggest gang in the city

W: ...

W: Should I be worried?

* * *

W: There's something I have to tell you

D: Is it nice?

W: Not exactly

D: Then it can wait

W: For how long?

D: Forever and ever

* * *

D: You cant say he didn't have it coming

* * *

W: Where are you?

D: Im not going to New York and not seeing a Broadway show

W: How did you even get it?!

D: Connections babe

D: Connections

* * *

D: You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic

* * *

W: Yesterday I swallowed food colouring

W: I'm okay, but I feel like I dyed inside

D: You could be joking or you could be totally serious and I can't tell

* * *

D: Oh my god Wally, you cant just ask people why their evil!

* * *

W: How did you get to be so smart?

D: My wisdom is from experience bitch

* * *

D: I swear if you make one more bisexual joke you're going to out yourself

* * *

W: Are you gay or European?

D: Both

* * *

D: Im not crazy

D: My reality is just different than yours

* * *

W: YES YOU KILLER MOTHERFUCKER DRAG HIM THROUGH THE MUD

* * *

D: And if you look to your left you'll see an alley where a guy was killed to death

W: How do you know where I am in Gotham?

D: I don't

* * *

W: Maybe if I hit my head on my desk enough times ill die

* * *

D: Barbara wears short skirts

D: Artemis weres t-shirts

D: And they're both getting detention because apparently its distracting the boys

* * *

W: Nerd

* * *

D: I don't have a nervous system

D: I am a nervous system

* * *

W: OH MY YOU

W: Barry and the rouges are fighting and I was fighting James and Hartley and they kept giving each other looks and I stepped back- because that is not a fight I want to be a part of- and they started bickering before I hear James yell "I'M STRAIGHT" and Hartley instantly responds with "You weren't yesterday" and I still can't breathe

* * *

D: Well butter my buns and call me Betty Crocker

* * *

W: Bricks are domesticated rocks

D: Are you stoned?

W: Bro

* * *

D: England in the 1800's be like;

D: "This land is my land"

D: "And so is this land"

D: "This is all my land"

D: "And you get no land"

* * *

W: Anything you say can and will be held against you so only say my name

* * *

D: When I move out im going to hook up speakers to an alarm system so when someone triggers it a recording of Shrek will yell "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP"

* * *

W: Would you hit this?

D: With a truck

* * *

D: I'm getting a haircut today

W: Which one?

D: Strand #1380 it's getting longer than the rest

* * *

W: You jumped into my arms when you seen me because you were that excited and it was so adorable and now there's a 98% chance that i'm in love with you

* * *

D: Bruce threatened to leave me in Italy

W: Why?

D: We were at the check-in and the guy reminded us that we weren't allowed to carry sharp objects with us onto the plane and- in Italian- I said "oh, looks like I'll have to leave behind my wit" and the guy laughed so hard someone else had to take over his check-in desk

* * *

W: What could possibly go wrong?

D: I'm glad you asked

* * *

D: There's trouble in Tokyo

* * *

W: When you shake laminated paper and it does the thing

* * *

D: Can you even sue the president?

D: Like, what if you tried to sue Obama and you just got a letter back saying "no"

W: Obama isn't president anymore. You need to accept this

D: Whats that? I couldn't hear you over me blocking out the next four years

* * *

W: I was in physics and the teacher asked "how fast dose light travel?" and I mumbled "hella" and the kid next to me heard and she still hasn't stopped laughing

* * *

D: If it's not on the first page of google it doesn't exist

* * *

W: Whats it like in your head?

D: You know that one Kermit meme?

* * *

D: I still believe Iceland and Greenland sat down in a meeting one day and it started with "you know what'll piss people off?"

* * *

W: SINCE WHEN ARE YOU A TRAINED SNIPPER

* * *

D: Jason tried to judge me for using feminine shampoo but I see right through him

D: That boy isn't fooling anyone

D: I see the looks he gives Roy

* * *

W: I can't believe you did that

D I can't believe he thought he could do that

* * *

D: Soul or not, that's funny

* * *

W: Are you still inside?

D: YES!

D: Its cold outside and I cant type with mittens on!

* * *

D: There is a thin line between being sassy and being an asshole and I cross it every day

* * *

W: How did you just say "yo" sarcastically

* * *

D: No I ain't too flawless

W: Is that possible?

D: And no I ain't the best

W: What are you doing?

D: And no I don't say sorry

W: Oh no

D: and no I ain't perfect

W: Please don't

D: But I am the man

W: Goddamnit Dick

* * *

W: Shall I compare thee to a summers day?

W: Cause thou hast NO CLASS

* * *

D: I don't want feelings, I want new clothes

* * *

W: Are you in the vents?!

* * *

D: On Wednesdays I wear blood


	17. Chapter 17

D: Hey, I have a huge announcement for you today

D: I look really cute

D: That's about it

* * *

W: You're a good influence on me

D: What happened?

W: Someone said my clothes look gay today

W: I told them my clothes came out of the closet this morning

D: I read this to my class and everyone is applauding you

* * *

D: Barbara was at the manor this morning and Jason walked into the room without a shirt on and she said "hey topless" and I said "you don't have to rub the fact that he's single in his face, Babs" and Bruce choked on his orange juice

* * *

W: You asshole

D: Cut me some slack man!

D: Its hard work being the emo friend _and_ the gay friend _and_ the hot friend!

* * *

D: When your gay in your house and alone your homolone

W: I actually just threw my phone

* * *

W: You don't go bi to hell or trans to hell

W: You go _straight_ to hell

D: Wake up America

* * *

D: Illuminate confirmed

* * *

W: So...

W: Those five seconds huh?

D: Yeah...

* * *

D: "All gays will go to hell?"

D: Oh no, what will I do... surrounded by nothing but other homosexuals...

D: You win this round, god.

* * *

W: I think I'm getting light headed

D: Me too

D: It's probably from all the spinning

D: We should probably stop

W: We have stopped

D: If you stay in the closet any longer your going to find Narnia

* * *

W: How many gay jokes are we going to make this chapter?

D: As many as possible

* * *

D: If there's a klance then I'm willing to take the risk

W: Chance?

D: No

* * *

W: How long have you been able to figure skate for?

D: Always, but I started caring on October 5, 2016

W: What happened then?

D: Nothing!

* * *

D: Bruce is in a meeting and I'm sitting on the other side of the door and I just heard one of the suits yelling "What do teens like?! Is it memes?! Memes about skeletons?! Comunisum?!" and I'm pretty sure they can hear me laughing

* * *

W: You me and Roy are meeting up with Zatanna and Artemis this June right?

D: Yep, Im pretty sure Babs is coming too

W: And you're going to do the thing again?

D: I'm going to do the thing

* * *

D: Remember that time we thought we were straight?

W: No

D: Me neither

* * *

W: I MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY CAME OUT TO IRIS AND BARRY

D: What?! HOW

W: WE WERE WATCHING TV AND THIS DUDE WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW ALL GAYS ARE GOING TO HELL AND I DIDNT WANT TO DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE SO I STARTED TO LEAVE

W: AND BARRY ASKED ME WHERE I WAS GOING

W: AND I SAID "to hell apparently"

W: WHAT HAVE I DONE

D: DUDE

* * *

D: Touch my cake and I will cut you

* * *

W: Can you imagine if you got stuck in a VRMMORPG?

D: Heh

W: Oh no

* * *

D: Jason tripped over an ice cube and yelled: "this is JUST like the Titanic!"

* * *

W: I'm here to save you, man

D: Nah, this place has wifi

* * *

D: Imagine the movie Grease but with lesbians

W: Imagine every movie but with lesbians

D: I like the way you think. You're hired.

* * *

W: Hey man, no hetero, but Artemis's hair looks really nice today

D: I'm telling her you said that

W: I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU

* * *

D: I have approximate knowledge of many things

* * *

W: I'm half naked, guess which half

D: The left half

W: Yeah

* * *

D: I walked into the classroom and said "I'm here, I'm queer, I wanna go home" and my teacher said "same" and we haven't broken eye contact in twenty minutes

* * *

W: Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks in the office when they're not sure when's the right time to ask if aliens are real or not?

D: You are literally sitting next to a martian and a kryptonian

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

W: They call me coffee cause I grind so fine

R: They call me coffee cause I'm up till 2 am

D: They call me coffee because I'm really bitter and most people don't like me without changing some aspect of me

W: Do you guys need hugs?

* * *

W: And they lived happily ever after

W: Hashtag the end

* * *

D: It's four am but I snuck out and now I'm buying peanut butter from a Walmart with rainbow socks on and if that doesn't tell you everything you need to know then I don't know what will

* * *

W: I CANT BELIEVE YOU TRICKED KLARION INTO SAYING 'WHATS UP DOG' YOU BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF TRASH

* * *

D: Probably not yet

* * *

W: DICK NO

D: DICK YES

* * *

D: Skates are just knife shoes

W: dude

* * *

W: Why did everyone we know refer to you as "Queen Robin"

D: I hacked the system

* * *

D: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING A BLACKBERRY

* * *

W: WE ARE IN THE WRONG UNIVERSE

* * *

D: Hey, if it's those guys are from S.H.I.E.L.D can you tell them I'm busy? I already told them they have the wrong universe and I don't care if I'm their best agent I have things to do

W: Yeah, should I tell them my name is things too?

D: Go for it

* * *

W: What do you have?

D: A KIFE

W: NO

* * *

D: I want snuggles but all life ever gives me is struggles

W: I'll give you snuggles

* * *

W: SINCE WHEN ARE YOU A MEME

D: Since the press caught me scaling the school wall to ditch

* * *

D: Disney marathon?

W: Disney marathon

* * *

W: So, what's it about?

D: Gays in space

W: And the other?

D: Gays in skates

* * *

D: I put the hot in psychotic

* * *

W: Back by unpopular demand: Me

D: Me? Desperate for attention? Yes. Absolutely. Definitely. Give me attention.

W: You know manslaughter is the least serious murder charge?

D: Of course I know

D: The questions is, how do you know?

* * *

D: The bags under my eyes are Gucci

* * *

W: I'm so fresh they call be Febreze

* * *

D: Perfect has seven letters and so does meeeeee

* * *

W: You know what sucks?

D: Roy

W: You know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?

D: Black holes

W: ...You what isn't cool?

D: Lava

W: You


	18. Chapter 18

D: I'm surrounded by idiots

* * *

W: If others can do it, so can you!

D: If others can do it, let them do it and let me sleep

* * *

D: WAKE UP

W: HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS SLEEPING

* * *

W: How is it that everywhere but the city limits of Gotham can be so nice but it's always raining in Gotham

D: It's Gotham

W: No, dude, it's literally a straight line between sun and rain

W: It's like there's a wall

W: This is sketchy

* * *

D: I'm late for school?

D: Better try again tomorrow

* * *

W: Just wanted to make sure that my favourite hot mess is still alive. I don't need any words, just a response of any sort. K, hope your living

D: Ahiodshfnac

W: This is sufficient

* * *

D: I SAW WHAT YOU DID

D: DON'T DO IT AGAIN

* * *

W: Your one of those people who can bite ice cream without being phased and there's a 99% chance you're the spawn of satan

* * *

D: The party don't start till I drop in

W: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM

* * *

W: What's your goal in life?

D: I'm gonna beat the shit out of Satan-

W: I'm glad we're finally moving past the devil phase-

D: Then take his place

* * *

D: Who needs Lady Gaga when you have Mephisto Pheles?

* * *

W: Moving on doesn't mean you have to forget about things

W: It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living

D: You lost my favourite pencil and I will never forgive you

* * *

D: Bruce is doing the thing where he stares at the big ass hole in the batcave and I'm convinced there's something in that abyss

D: I'm jumping down

* * *

W: Why do you have so many bottles of soap?

* * *

D: IT'S NOT LIKE THEY PUT THE FLOOR NUMBERS ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING

* * *

W: They took my sandwich

W: So I took their lives

* * *

D: I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible

D: But pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell

* * *

W: DONT DO THAT

D: Do what?

W: YOU JUMPED OF A THIRTY STORY BUILDING AND YELLED CATCH ME

* * *

D: In Gotham city my family was murdered in a mafia dispute, so I seek revenge against the Wayne Family, particularly their don, Bruce Wayne. After seven years of training following the night of the murder, I received an anonymous letter from a friend of my father's, prompting me to return to the dark streets and exact my revenge. Under the name of Deval, I begin to infiltrate the Wayne Family by slowly befriending the don's nephew, Wally. However, in this dramatic story, revenge breeds revenge, and killing may yield drastic consequences. How will Deval Gray and Wally West fare, in this tragic harvest field that they have only begun to sow?

D: I have the best dreams

* * *

W: Just be yourself. Say something nice

D: Which one? I cant do both

* * *

D: I know my limits

D: I just don't pay attention to them

* * *

W: GOTTA GO FASTER

* * *

D: Like I give a fuck

* * *

W: If I join your gang will you give me back my chips?

D: Deal

* * *

D: I sit on a throne of lies

* * *

W: Why is there a dead body in the living room?

* * *

D: Checkmate, bitch

* * *

W: You're not much help

D: No I am not

* * *

D: You're staring at me...

D: You're annoyed that I'm the only one eating cake, aren't you?

* * *

W: That jerk needs to have a heart attack

D: I can arrange that, I know a guy

* * *

D: I aspire to get to the level of hot where my hair looks like I haven't brushed it- ever, I smell like black coffee, and yesterdays eyeliner is smudged under my eyes but I still look fine as hell

W: I have seen you like this and I can say, you're already there

* * *

W: You're childish and hate to lose

W: I know because I'm also childish and hate to lose

* * *

D: I try to be a good person but sometimes my inner psychopath doesn't cooperate

* * *

W: Why aren't you in trouble right now?

D: Gods can do no wrong

* * *

D: You were the first person to notice my bloodlust and I think that's really sweet

* * *

W: Can you imagine if soulmates were real?

D: Heh, yeah

W: Can you imagine if _we_ were soulmates

D: Could we be?

W: ...

W: Could we?

* * *

D: I'll give you this strawberry if you keep it a secret

* * *

W: Karma's a bitch

D: Don't talk about him like that

* * *

D: Be nice?

D: No

D: People take advantage of that shit

* * *

W: Dodging responsibilities like a pro

* * *

D: If you don't like it, just kill him

* * *

W: The weatherman is predicting a 99% chance of a shitstorm and its coming right at ya'

* * *

D: Hasta la pasta, you jerk!

* * *

W: The problem is, I can't help but punch him in the face

D: Have you tried throwing things at him instead

D: HEY

D: STOP THROWING THINGS AT ME

D: I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU WITH THE GUY YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH

* * *

D: Another jerk bastard day thanks to jerk bastard Bruce

* * *

W: You've got some splainin' to do

D: If you need me, I'll be in Antarctica

* * *

D: This is the part where I say 'maybe' but I definitely mean 'no'

* * *

W: Everything revolves around Money and you're the richest kid in the world

D: I know. How was your day?

* * *

D: Man up or I'll beat you with _both_ my Nobel prizes

* * *

W: WHY DONT YOU JUST STAB ME NEXT TIME

* * *

D: Kill one man and you're a murderer

W: I'm glad you finally understand this

D: Kill millions and you're a conqueror

W: No-

D: Kill them all and you're a god

W: I can't argue that

* * *

W: I won't rest until I've complained about everything

* * *

D: YOU CAN'T GOOGLE THINGS IN 1942 YOU ASSHAT

* * *

W: Hey man, sorry I'm late, I didn't want to come

D: Company picnics used to excite me

* * *

W: It is a matter of gay or death

D: Isn't everything?

W: Good point, but focus

* * *

D: I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker colour

D: Except on Wednesdays

D: I wear blood on Wednesdays


	19. Chapter 19

D: You can see that guy?

W: Obviously not, he's wearing cameo

* * *

W: That is one weird looking dog

* * *

D: I CANT BELIEVE THAT PERSON PUT THE CLOTH ON THE STOVE

W: THERE IS A DEAD BODY AND THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT

* * *

W: Homework? Decent grades? The bible said Adam and Eve, not Adam and achieve

D: I laughed so hard Bruce thought I was dying

* * *

D: Jason, Babs, and I were fighting in the living room and we all yelled "DAAAADDDD" at the same time and I think Bruce just fell down the stairs

* * *

W: I was thinking about you and I forgot to eat and Barry was giving me this really weird look the whole time and I suddenly locked eyes with him and said "Fruit loops" and I've never seen a man looked so relieved

* * *

D: Dude, you're honestly the only reason I got out of bed today

W: Meet you at the cave

* * *

W: I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO

D: SO YOU GAVE HER A ROSE AND STOOD ON THE ROOF LIKE A PSYCHOPATH?

W: SHE HAD REALLY COOL PINK HAIR OKAY?!

* * *

D: Sometimes I forget im a real person

W: This is such a weird thing but I _get it_

* * *

W: Look at all those chickens

W: There's at least 10

D: Well, your not wrong

* * *

D: Fire cannot have a shadow because it's a source of light and its fucking with me

W: What are you doing and why is there fire

* * *

W: Take your age and add five years to it, that's your age in five years

D: Holy shit

* * *

D: Do you realize we can change our lives any time we want? Like, you can just go ahead and stop eating meat, shave your head, start running, throw your phone, tell that person that you hate why you hate them so much, confess your love to someone and kiss them unexpectedly

D: I'm going to go to bed before I get any more ideas

* * *

W: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak

W: Like, "look at this flower, this flower is taller than I am, this flower is winning and I am losing"

D: You are not ready to hear about trees

* * *

D: I was in Japan for a Robin thing and Bruce had me watching this high school, so I was sitting in the history class and being bored out of my mind and looking out the window and I swear to me this book fell from the sky but by the time I went to look it was gone

W: Dude, books don't fall from the sky, you imagined it

* * *

W: It really messes me up that you can accidentally create a human life, but you can't accidentally make a pizza

* * *

D: SOS

W: Whats wrong?

D: I accidentally stole 10 million pounds of pancake mix and I don't know what to do

W: I should be considered but you've rubbed off on me and all I can say is;

W: Fill the swimming pool

* * *

W: Petition to change "he looked at her like she was the sun" to "he looked at her like she was the moon" because I've always looked at the moon with wonder and love while I've only ever just squinted angrily at the sun

D: He looked at her like she was the sun, in that he never looked at her except in frustration. He basked in her warmth, he complained when she was gone, but he never looked. On days she was muted, he complained. On days she was stronger, he hid from her. He never looked at her until she was leaving, and in the beauty of the sunset, he wondered how he'd never seen her before.

W: _Dude_

* * *

D: All my self-deprecating jokes are so funny because I really think they're true and no one knows that and It's great

W: Unlock the window, I'm outside

* * *

W: Why did you lie to Roy?

D: Because its April

* * *

D: What if clouds and lakes switched places and every time you looked up you'd see waves being pulled by the moon and we'd wade through the clouds on a hot day. What if birds grew grass and the ground grew feathers. What if flowers were as tall as trees and trees as small as flowers

W: Where are you and how can I get there

* * *

W: Why do teachers have such an intense hate for Wikipedia

D: I edit Wikipedia articles in my spare time

W: I could have sworn that sentence looked like something you'd say

* * *

D: I've lost you in a crowd and I'm four seconds away from leaving you

* * *

W: If you had a room full of nothing and the floor, walls, and ceiling were made of mirrors, what would it look like in the mirrors

D: I asked Bruce and he looked at me, looked at the table, looked at me, tried to smile, looked angry, and started ordering mirrors

* * *

D: Man, you can't keep putting ice cubes in your apple juice, it's weird and I'm concerned for you

W: Don't come any closer

D: I just wanna talk man

W: I'm warning you

* * *

W: It will end in tears

D: So will Infinity War so fuck off

* * *

D: Hey West, check this out

W: If your smuggling weapons I don't want to know-

W: Oh my god

* * *

W: I'm not going to fight them

D: Your right, becAUSE I AM GOING TO KILL THEM

* * *

D: How to cross a street;

D: First, look both ways before crossing

D: And if an idiot car comes along...

D: Blast it!

D: Then, walk away like a boss

* * *

W: I don't get why we need drivers training

W: Driving is just like Mario Kart but slower and you can't throw blue shells at people

* * *

D: Bruce told me that I "use humour to cover up past trauma so I don't have to deal with it" and that "it will take years of therapy to genuinely recover from it all" and I burst out laughing and did finger guns at him

* * *

W: There's no fucking way that EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting

D: I'm telling you, dude, it was crazy

* * *

D: The only reason I learned to throw knives is so that I can throw them real close to people and graze them to let them know to shut the fuck up

W: Is that way you threw a fork at me and it stuck in the wall

* * *

W: BATHTUBS ARE JUST REVERSE BOATS

D: Get the fuck away from me

* * *

D: Bruce asked what PG stood for and my immediate response was 'pretty gay'

* * *

W: Have you googled yourself?

D: Not since last time

D: Meet you at the cave


	20. Chapter 20

_\- From chapter 16 -_

 _W: You jumped into my arms when you seen me because you were that excited and it was so adorable and now there's a 98% chance that I'm in love with you_

* * *

Wally was fidgeting, his knee bouncing at a superspeed pace and filling the room with an endless tapping sound, Artemis's eye twitched and she looked only a matter of seconds away from snapping at him, but the speedster wasn't paying her any attention. The bouncing of his knee stopped with the ding of his phone, the screen lighting up with a text message from Dick.

Wally's face lit up and he ignored the way his team snickered, Kaldur smiling knowingly, Conner smirking fondly, and Megan and Artemis giggling between each other. He typed out a reply as fast as he could, stifling his laugh at Dick's declaration of how hard his job was; claiming that a _broken arrow_ was an annoying thing to handle when one was trying to 'have a super-secret meeting in a super secret place'

Despite himself, Wally frowned, reading the message again well he waited for Dick's reply, the word 'secret' jumping out at him. Dick had been gone for three days, three days where Wally didn't know where he was or what he was doing, and three days where he and Dick pestered each other with random thoughts at two in the morning and serious scientific discussions about whether a coconut was a mammal or not. Three days where they ignore that fact that Dick texted him well-washing blood off his hands and Wally couldn't tell if he was joking anymore.

And the longer he shifted on the green couch and stared at his phone, the more he wondered if he wanted it to be the truth.

When his phone dinged again, he glanced down to see an apology for the late reply, and the explanation of; _Had to push someone off a bridge_. Wally chuckled again, pushing thoughts he'd rather ignore to the back of his mind and instructing Dick to throw potatoes at his victim.

Feeling the familiar tinge of hunger, Wally shut his phone off and sped to the kitchen, searching for the secret stash of Kit Kats that he knew Dick was hiding somewhere, and when he didn't find them after a very thorough investigation that lasted around three minutes- in which he stumbled on Artemis's last bag of chips- he decided to move the search party.

Walking back into the living room empty handed drew the eyes of Artemis and Kaldur, but neither fully looked at him, and he quickly left the room, but not before giving Artemis a wave, showing off the bag of chips as the doors slid shut, cutting off her outraged yell.

Wally took his time down the hallway, not wanting to test the science of his speed and the way air particles would affect his prize when you factor gravity and the speed at which he moves when he runs, and his clumsiness. In other words; he didn't want to crush the chips.

By the time he reached Dick's room he was struggling with the bag, aggressively tearing at it and he had to pause at the door to wipe his hands on his jeans. With the chip bag hanging from his lips he punched in the code without thinking much of it and disappeared into the dim room.

With the walls painted black and all the furniture charcoal- there was a different, Dick had told him many times- even when he flicked the light switch the room remained dimmer than the hallway. Pulling the bag from his lips and tossing it to the bed he turned right, heading for Dick's desk, as the door clicked and locked behind him.

He threw himself in the cold leather chair, spinning in a slow circle due to momentum before he settled at the desk. Knowing Dick wouldn't care and positive that the bird would have Kit Kats on hand, Wally opened the left drawer- well aware of the fact that Dick put important things to the left- and dug around for a moment, his hand brushing over a nearly full pack of cigarettes, a swiss army knife, lots of paper and dozens of pens from various hotels and restaurants, and landing on a king-sized Kit Kat.

Wally looked at the chocolate bar with a satisfied smiled and jumped out of the chair, trading it in for Dick's impossibly comfortable bed and ripping the wrapping of the chocolate bar and tossing Artemis's chips to the desk with little interest.

He bit into the chocolate bar with a crunch sound that was surprisingly pleasing and feel deeper into the bed- Dick's bed, he was in Dick's bed, _again_ \- and breathing in, content, as he tossed the wrapper in the general direction of the trashcan, watching as it fell short by a few feet.

He nearly choked when his phone lit up with a message from Dick telling him not to mess up his room.

* * *

In the dead of night, Wally paced. Sure he knew the bedroom window was unlocked, and yeah, something in his chest nagged at him and pulled him in the direction of Dick's smile, but, what he _didn't_ know, was what was waiting for him on the _other side_ of the window. Because, and the more he stressed about it the more he thought it was true, he could have sworn he left some chip crumbs on the bed, and if there's one thing Wally knew about Dick, its that he was a neat freak.

Wally shivered, it was always cold in Gotham and the grass under his shoes was wet. He rubbed his bare arms and stopped pacing just below the window, pressuring himself to go in, but just as he was about to, he heard the window opening.

"Hey, Walls!" Dick hissed from above, and Wally had to take a few steps back so that Dick could see him under the overhang of the rich bastards balcony. When Dick did see him, Wally could see blue eyes light up in the darkness and before he could even get his heart to start working again Dick had slipped over the railing and, almost lazily, jumped off the balcony. Wally's brain went to full alert mode and he was standing under the bird, ready to catch him, faster than even the speedster could see.

Dick landed in his arms with the same laugh that Wally listened to on phone calls at three am and thought he deserved a Nobel prize for making it happen, but as Wally adjusted for the weight in his arms he stared at Dick with wide eyes.

" _Dude_ " the speedster hissed, well aware of the time, and Dick looked up at him with a smile that showed sharp white teeth, bright eyes, and laced his arms over Wally's neck and, for a moment, Wally forgot to breathe.

"Yes Walls?" Dick asked, just as quiet, meant for only the two of them.

Wally opened his lips to say something along the lines of 'not cool' but thought better of it, fearing that something more similar to 'I love you' would come out instead. So, Wally just smiled down at the bird and easily grabbed his phone from his pocket- because Dick was _too_ light- and typed out a message instead.

 _W: You jumped into my arms when you seen me because you were that excited and it was so adorable and now there's a 98% chance that I'm in love with you_

He didn't bother with proper grammar or punctuation- he was a little distracted by the look Dick was giving him- and hit send without really thinking about it. He had intended for Dick to read it later, he had not meant for Dick to pull out his phone, which they had both felt vibrate. And as Dick read the message and Wally's face burned, he realized he should have expected Dick to be a rich bastard and jump from his rich bastard balcony with his rich bastard phone-that-wasn't-even-on-the-market-yet and be a rich bastard. The rich bastard.

He wasn't bitter.

When he looked up again Dick was smiling, and Wally's face flushed a deeper red, shifting Dick in his arms as the bird stirred. Wally watched Dick move cautiously, uncertain of what the ninja was up to, and squeaked as he felt Dick press his lips to the speedsters cheek. For a moment, they stayed like that, Wally holding Dick in shaking arms and feeling Dick's hot breath against his skin. Then, Dick was moving, pulling away, and Wally's arms curled around him ever-so tighter, Dick paused and patted Wally on the same cheek that he had kissed and Wally could see the bird was blushing too. Dick flipped out of Wally's arms with ease and quickly climbed up thin but strong vines and disappeared over the edge of the balcony.

Wally remained frozen, his arms still up as if he were holding Dick and his breathing in short visible puffs until Dick prompted him.

"Come on Walls!" Dick called from above, snapping Wally out of his trance, and Wally quickly followed, nearly falling twice before he made it to the balcony, and wandered through the door-that-looked-more-like-a-window, closing it behind him and shutting out the night air.


	21. Chapter 21

D: When your laughing really hard and your inner Kira shows

W: I still can't tell if this is a person you know or a split personality

* * *

W: You awake?

D: No, I'm scuba diving, what the fuck do you want?

* * *

D: So, Jason was fighting with the kid who lives across the street and all I heard was "Learn to take a joke!" and the Tim aggressively screaming back "LEARN TO MAKE ONE" and he's my new favourite person

W: I love this kid

* * *

W: Simple and effective ways to deal with stress include;

W: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

D: To quote Hamlet act III scene II line 92, "no."

* * *

W: Do you ever just regret 40% of your life?

* * *

D: Tomato

W: SolanumLycopersicon

* * *

W: You are my hero

D: "Well, officer, if that's even your real name-"

* * *

D: You have the social skills of a sea urchin

* * *

W: Your music scares me

D: CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES

* * *

D: Find out who is playing that G note and destroy them

W: Already on it

* * *

W: Got your nose

D: Got your wallet

* * *

D: Hey, don't look at me like that!

D: I'm relatable, not reliable!

* * *

W: We got invited to two parties this weekend

D: Wow. We finally have friends

W: Were skipping both, right?

D: Obviously

* * *

D: Is that really what you're going to wear?

W: I WAS ON MY DEATHBED

* * *

W: I don't know what it worse

W: You whistled for me to come downstairs

W: Or the fact that I did

* * *

D: Still waiting for you to apologize for what you did in my dream last night

W: Give me three minutes and I'll have flowers and tocos

* * *

W: It's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to a total shit storm

D: I am literally three minutes late

* * *

D: Candles are how we keep fire as pets

W: This is stupidly adorable

* * *

W: Define "normal"

D: No

D: Suffer

* * *

D: Well, what can I say? Im a badass

W: YOU NEARLY KILLED ME

D: But you lived

* * *

W: I love you, you enormously stubborn pain in the ass

D: Psh, you just want me for said ass

* * *

D: Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?

W: I'm sure that the mayor of Gotham would appreciate your attention

D: Meh, this place hasn't had a good mayor since, like, season 3

* * *

W: That's a little melodramatic, dont you think?

D: Leather pants and chocolate do not make me melodramatic

D: If anything, they make me _mellodramatic_

* * *

D: Don't look for any redeeming qualities

D: I don't have any

W: Maybe not, but you always have the best one-liners

* * *

W: No, your not listening dude

W: She's crazy, and just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness, there a crazy underground garage

* * *

D: And you wonder why you're still single

* * *

W: You seem all lollipops and rainbows but I know for a fact that behind closed doors your all leather and gun smoke

D: Now there's a book

* * *

D: If my day gets any worse, I'm asking hell if they have an exchange program

* * *

W: If we survive this, can we go home?

* * *

D: Barbara was arguing with some chick and the girl insulted me and Babs said "Sorry, we don't speak skank" and left the room and everyone is still clapping

W: Tell Babs that I'm giving her my soul

* * *

W: DID YOU JUST JUMP OUT OF THAT PLANE

D: Uh, yeah, duh

* * *

D: This is a whole new level of moronic, even for you

* * *

W: How was I supposed to know that that's what would happen!

D: IT WAS FIRE

* * *

W: I don't think I could ever stab someone, I mean, let's be honest, I can barely get the straw in the can

D: You'll never know unless you try

* * *

D: My middle finger salutes you

* * *

W: Somebody's cranky

D: Somebody needs to shut up

* * *

D: Insanity runs in my family

W: Is that why you just poisoned cookies and mailed them to yourself?

* * *

W: I heard that!

D: You were supposed to!

W: Thanks man, it means a lot

D: Your welcome bro

* * *

D: I am one of the few people in the world who could murder you and leave no evidence behind

W: That's so romantic

* * *

W: I'll need therapy after this

D: Dude, all we're doing is taking a bomb to space

D: No biggie

* * *

D: Excuse me, I have to go make a scene

* * *

W: Knew I shouldn't have lied

D: Hey, you didn't get in trouble for lying, you got in trouble for lying badly

* * *

D: I turned out liking you a lot more than I originally planned

W: How comforting, but WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THE KNIFE DOWN

* * *

W: I think your crazy

D: I think your boring

* * *

D: If history repeats its self, I am so getting a dinosaur

* * *

W: You really don't remember me?

D: You seem somewhat familiar, have I threatened you before?

W: Yes, but that's not the point

* * *

D: Sarcasm is the body's natural reaction to stupidity

W: That does not give you permission to shoot the chief of police!

* * *

W: I'm afraid I've been thinking

D: A dangerous pastime

* * *

D: The female species is more deadly than the male

W: What happened

D: I just watched Barbara shoot a moving target with my sniper rifle from over 1000 yards away and she didn't even use a scope

W: I will never anger that women

* * *

W: Well, excuse me, psychic wonder!

* * *

D: YES, KNOCK HIS TEETH DOWN HIS THROAT

W: STOP TEXTING ME! IM IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT

* * *

W: Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably

D: Ain't nobody got time for regrets

* * *

D: I'm not a damsel in distress

D: I'm a damsel doing damage

W: Your one hell of a damsel

* * *

W: Neither of us is drunk enough for this conversation

D: Then take another shot

* * *

D: Never take life seriously

D: No one ever comes out alive anyway

W: Are you at a poetry slam again?


	22. Chapter 22

W: Why dose everyone always assume the worse of me?

D: It saves time

* * *

D: A little gasoline... a blowtorch... no problem

W: We are not doing that

* * *

W: Remember that time we set the school gym on fire to get Bruce and Clark together?

D: Ah, the good old days

* * *

D: Your questioning my methods

W: I'm not questioning, I'm saying it's stupid

D: Well Then

D: Somebody needs a happy meal

* * *

W: Your so weird

D: You have no idea

* * *

D: I didn't do it!

W: Then why are you laughing?!

D: Because whoever did it is a freaking genius

* * *

W: The universe may not always be fair, but at least it has a hell of a sense of humour

D: You call me being locked in a freezer with nothing but frozen hamburgers funny!?

* * *

D: You couldn't even handle me if I came with instructions

W: I couldn't handle you were the instructions man

* * *

W: I'm so glad you could come

D: Cut the crap, get me a drink

* * *

D: You make no sense to me

W: Welcome to my life

* * *

D: I made a new friend today

W: Real or imaginary?

* * *

W: Damn, your strong for a little thing

* * *

D: Do me a favour... I know it's difficult for you... but please, stay here, and try not to do anything stupid

W: No problemo man

* * *

W: I feel like a freaking soccer mom

* * *

D: I didn't steal it

D: I permanently borrowed it

* * *

W: Your like the De Vinci code, but harder to crack

D: Why thank you

* * *

D: Pull out my headphones and I'll pull out your lungs

* * *

W: Such evil in such a little thing

D: 3

* * *

D: Well, this is fun

W: Dude, pay attention, we are trying to hid a body

* * *

W: Haha, it's like we finish each other's sss-

D: Ssssss

D: SSSSATAN WILL RISE

* * *

D: Clone Shiro better back the fuck up

* * *

W: Excuse me, I demand your undivided attention

D: You couldn't handle my undivided attention

* * *

D: Okay, but I had this dream.

D: So Shrek turned into a girl ogre because...I don't know...and he/she asked Fiona if she was okay with that and she said "Of course, I'm bishreksual" and I woke up laughing and crying.

* * *

W: Dude, what's up with people talking about a 'behind the scenes' you?

D: No idea

* * *

D: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and burst into a thousand bats to get away from social situations

W: And you say your not a vampire

D: I never said that

* * *

W: Whatcha doing?

D: Testing theoretical physics

D: You?

* * *

D: I could kill a god

W: You are a god

W: You did an entire push-up

* * *

W: My name is not Flash boy- either call me Kid Flash or call me nothing

D: Okay- Nothing

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: There was something that prevented me from having friends when I was a kid

W: It might have been your personality

D: Don't be like that West

D: It was definitely his personality

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

W: Your smiling, did something good happen?

D: Can't I just smile because I feel like it?

R: Jason tripped and fell in the parking lot

* * *

D: The only thing I deem reliable are cats, cash... that's about it

* * *

W: Remember that time we had a snowball fight on a pond and I fell through?

D: Remember that time I walked across a lake with no problems whatsoever?

* * *

D: Do you ever just see something that changes your whole life and your like huh

W: I saw you

D: Honestly that's so gay and sweat and it makes this awkward cause I was gunna show you a picture of Ryan Reynolds as a turkey

* * *

\- Special guest appearance from Roy -

D: Sorry I'm late, I was going things

W: HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS

* * *

D: What colour are my eyes?

W: The colour of the ocean after a storm

D: Which is...?

W: Beautiful

* * *

\- Not-So-Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: So, how did you guys get into a car accident?

D: Well, we were driving and there was a deer on the road that Wally didn't see, so, I shouted 'Wally, deer!'...

W: ...

D: You wanna tell RoyToy what your response was?

W: ... 'Yes, Honey?'

* * *

D: I'm suspended

W: Again?

D: Well, this guy randomly said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

D: So I threw a dictionary at him

* * *

W: IM IN ITALY AND I CANT TIE MY SHOELACES

* * *

\- Not-So-Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: So, do you and Wally have pet names?

W: What?! Absolutely not! We're not even together!

R: Alright, alright

R: Hey, what's that thing that bees make?

W: Honey?

D: Yes, mon amour?

R: Don't ever fucking lie to me again

* * *

W: Please close your legs man

W: Please

D: I want the camera to get my best side

* * *

D: Well slap my ass and call me Bridget look at this motherfucking ancient ass kingdom. Jesus take a look at those majestic goddamn eyebrows fuck they are like coming off his head to punch you in your stupid face. You want some fucking culture? Oh shit son you are not ready for this fuckers poetry. His authors are fucking hardcore. Sit your bitch ass down in that rocking chair and hearken to the fucking tale of ancient mariner hell. Yeah fucking zombies on that fucking boat. This poetry's so extreme your monocles gonna bust the fuck off and your gonna shit your tweed pants. What about Shakespeare bitch. (That's the bard if your nasty) aw hell yeah you know some suckers gunna lose everything he loves fuck yes shit 'bout to get real. THATS RIGHT BITCHS ENGLANDS ALL ABOUT BEING EXTREME YOU KNOW YOUR GUNNA NEED SOME TEA WHEN YOUR DONE RIPPING YOUR BODICE OVER MR. FITZWILLIAM SEX BOMB DARCY FUCK YEAH


	23. Chapter 23

D: I bet you think you're really smart, huh? I bet you think your clever, punk!

D: WELL GUESS WHAT!

D: You are

* * *

W: I can't believe you used your one phone call to order 17 pizzas

* * *

D: AND ANOTHER THING-

W: It's been ten years since that argument dude

* * *

W: I just realized no one is home

W: Come play the trombone well I slam the oven door

D: Already out the window

* * *

D: I found a paper I wrote in 5th grade that I got an 'I' on

D: The prompt was "imagine you are sitting on a cloud. What would you do or see?"

D: And I wrote "I would see the groundas I fell because I would because clouds are just water mists"

* * *

W: Can we have birthday cake

D: It's not your birthday

W: The cake won't know

* * *

D: I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life

W: I know this and I love you

* * *

W: My head hurts

D: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity

* * *

D: What are you talking about?

W: Are you telling me that you don't remember coming back drunk and designing an entire fucking airplane

* * *

W: How do you remember that? You were very unconscious at the time

* * *

D: This professor couldn't work the computer so he drew the map of the world himself

W: He is too powerful

* * *

W: When you buy a bigger bed you have more bed room, but less bedroom

* * *

D: I don't understand how people can shower in five minutes, I mean, I can go as fast as I can and still have shampoo in my hair and conditioner in my hair and scrub myself and cut myself shaving and use the blood in my summoning of the dark lord then travel to a new dimension to ward of my enemies then come back and dry off. I mean, how do you do that in five minutes

W: 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner

D: FUCK

D: OF COURSE

* * *

W: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

D: What?

W: A condescending con descending

D: Get out

* * *

D: My dying words better be 'I'm going ghost'

* * *

W: Okay but imagine a Roomba that's programmed to react positively when being pet or scratched

D: Give me three minutes and a bag of gummy worms and it's yours

* * *

D: Shout out to my coping mechanism, isolation

* * *

W: I just wanted to make sure your okay 'cause you are sharpening that knife very intensely

* * *

D: Can we cuddle? In just our underwear so our skin can touch. Can I wrap myself around you well you hold me? I'll play with your hair and drag my fingertips across your skin. You'll peck at my skin well I laugh and tell you to stop. We could whisper cute things to each other over pillows that no one else could hear. Then I'd pull out my hunting knife and sacrifice you to the dark lord Satan, well chanting sacrificial hymns.

W: You had me at 'Can'

* * *

W: On a scale of 1 to nature valley granola bars how much is your life falling apart?

D: America's healthcare

* * *

D: **AU CONTRAIRE**

D: My grandmother got all A's in her etiquette classes, and she told me-

D: "Dear," she said, "You never cross your legs, you cross your ankles. But the great thing about you living in this generation is that you don't have to follow my generations rules. If someone looks up your skirt, tell them your aunt Harriet will kill them."

D: Which is true, my aunt Harriet kept a switchblade in a special pocket in her nightgown until the day she died

D: Moral of the story: 1) Sit the way you want. 2) My aunt Harriet was a badass.

* * *

W: The word 'Diputseromneve' may look ridiculous but backwards it's even more stupid

D: I AM SO ANGRY

* * *

D: I got a zero on my Spanish test

W: Why? You're fluent in Spanish!

D: I wrote the entire thing in Japanese

* * *

W: There were these two kids having this argument in my chemistry class and this one kid and my friend were the ones fighting about who was better and the annoying kid said "well at least I have a girlfriend!" To which my friend responded, "whatever. Your girlfriend has 67 protons." And everyone was confused as to why I was laughing then everyone, including the teacher, turned to look at the periodic table on the wall.

D: For all the none-scientists reading, the element with 67 protons is holmium, with the chemical symbol 'ho.'

* * *

D: I was sitting with Barbara in the park the other day and braiding her hair and some guy walked past and was like, "hey, baby, what else can you do with your hands?" And before Barbara could kill him I gave him this really nice smile and said "strangle you" and I've never seen a man run so fast

* * *

W: Why is there a picture of you on the news?

D: Ohhh~ what did they say?

W: 'Dramatic goth draped gracefully on an overhead luggage rack on some form of public transport'

* * *

\- Not-So-Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: So, what do you guys have planned for Valentine's Day?

W: Murder

D: That's the spirit

* * *

W: Is there something burning?

D: Just my desire for you

W: The toaster is on fire

* * *

D: Do you ever just want to gently place your hands on someone's cheeks and hold their head in your hands and look into their eyes and then violently jerk their head on a right angle and snap their neck

W: Well that took an unexpected turn

* * *

W: In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost

W: Head shoulders, knees, and toes

W: Turn up your nose, strike that pose

W: Heyyyy Macarena!

* * *

D: Hate to be problematic but I feel like the Sesame Street writers were just being lazy when they named him big bird


	24. Chapter 24

D: It's not my birthday

W: It's definitely your birthday

D: Give me a calendar and I will prove it to-

D: Oh.

D: Never mind

D: Happy birthday to me

* * *

W: It's so cute when a really fat bumblebee comes and bops against the window and immediately bumbles away like "oh deary me I am terribly sorry that's wasn't where I should have been going oh what a silly sausage I am"

D: I love your take on the inner commentary of a bumblebee because we all see things differently and I always imagined that if bees had inner conscious commentary it was really faint angry screaming and the bees just going "FUCK FUCK FUCK I HIT ANOTHER FUCKING WINDOW SHIT FUCK IM GUNNA FUCK UP THIS FLOWER INSEAD SHIT I HIT ANOTHER WINDOW FUCK" except it's really really faint because it's small because it's a bee

* * *

D: My deaf teacher is getting increasingly frustrated with me because I keep signing to her in German rather than American Sign Language

* * *

W: You have many of the abilities of a Disney princess. You can talk to animals, people burst into song around you, and it seems every other day a 'Prince Charming' type falls madly in love with you. As one of the most feared mafia dons in Gotham, it's tough, but you make it work.

D: "How did you know?" He cries, on his knees and shaking

D: Your fingers tighten around the blade.

D: "A little birdie told me."

W: You win

* * *

D: Do you ever think about how supper fucked up Danny Phantom is

D: Like, a fourteen-year-old boy _fucking dies_ in a tragic lab accident, but the accident happens halfway in another dimension so he is both killed (in one dimension) and not killed (in another). Danny is literally Schrödinger's cat- he is both alive and dead. He's a living corps possessed by his own ghost

W: DUDE WHAT

* * *

W: What happened to you?

D: Life

W: Are you drunk?

D: Yes

W: How much did you drink?

D: A whole liquor store

* * *

D: Barbara is fluent in English, French, Italian, and Dutch.

D: The other day we went to a café in England and I accidentally ordered a latte in German, she corrected me in Dutch, and then I thanked her in Latvian

D: The barista was terrified

* * *

\- Not-So-Special guest appearance from Roy -

R: AS THE OLDER BROTHER OF THIS GROUP CHAT I DO NOT APPROVE

D: You literally fucking glued googly eyes on the door and put a piece of paper under them that says "I'm watching you, don't eat my fucking tortillas, Dick"

* * *

D: I'm fine

W: You're fine? That's good. I'm gonna put that on your tombstone.

W: "He said he was fine. He was wrong."

* * *

W: How do you solve a problem like Maria?

D: Marry her off to some rich dude with seven kids

* * *

D: As m' wife your throne shall be the highest quality IKEA chair

* * *

W: Anatidaephobia is the fear that, somewhere, a duck is watching you

D: West its 3 am go the fuck back to sleep

* * *

D: Every soft look Steve directs at Tony is Chris Evans breaking character and being completely gone for RDJ change my mind

* * *

W: It takes 9 hours

D: I can do it in 7

* * *

D: I made a list of reasons I'm better than you

* * *

W: No shit, Sherlock

D: Fuck you, Watson

* * *

D: Welcome to Applebees, would you like apples or bees?

* * *

W: Its cool dude, don't worry about it

W: I just hope you didn't do that thing that you do where you freak out and stand in the middle of your living room and talk to yourself for twenty minutes

D: I definitely did not do that

* * *

D: A cough is just a crunchy breath

W: This is going to be one of those things that I cant get out of my head until the day I die

* * *

W: Hey I heard you liked bad boys

W: I don't mean to brag or anything but I'm really bad- at everything

* * *

D: I bought Barbara this skirt for her birthday and she really liked it but now I don't know how to explain to her that when you lay it out flat the patterns form a pentagram

* * *

W: I killed a man

D: WHAT ARE YOU DOING CONFESSING TO YOUR CRIME?!

D: Heres what you need to do

D: Wash the knife in bleach then throw it in a sewer grate across town or in a large local body of water.

D: Smash the teeth out of the head and collect them all, then grind the teeth into dust (IN A DIFFERENT LOCATION THAN WHERE YOU STAY) and dispose of them

D: Cut off the fingers and stip the flesh from the bone. Feed the flesh to an animal or go all Hannibal on it and consume it yourself

D: Now comes the tricky part.

D: You're going to want to get ahold of a ridiculous amount of saran wrap, a large plastic sheet, some garbage bags, a power tool that can dismember a body (pay in cash and buy it from a store outside out Central), a change of clothes, and a metricshitton of clean supplies

D: Got it all? Good.

D: Roll the body on top of the plastic sheet and dismember it. (You're going to want to do this in a fairly clear, easy to clean area), blood will spurt out of that body insanely so no time to be squeamish.

D: After you've got all the pieces nice and transportable, wrap them up in the saran wrap and stuff them in garbage bags along with the clothes you were wearing when you murdered the victim and dismembered them.

D: Now, go to an auto salvage yard and throw the body and clothes into the trunk on top of a spare tire or any nearby one you can find, throw a heavy fluent on top (either a hefty amount of gasoline or some napalm). Punch out a tail light, ignite the body, close the trunk, and get home.

D: Clean

D: Clean so much

D: Scrub until you cant anymore then fucking do it more. If you think you're being too careful, your not.

D: Finally, get your ass to Gotham so we can form a solid alibi

W: ...

D: Oh, and delete your Tumbler

W: I was kidding


End file.
